Sometime after midnight on Sunday I woke up to hug Brian goodnight...respond to Jill's text...and try to sleep in this awful "I don't know what season it wants to be at any point in time" weather. Let's just say that in my world...it is hot. Not warm...hot. Like August at the beach hot. The only relief I seem to find is the 45 seconds after I get out of a hot shower or bath and the produce room at Costco. I'm thinking of putting in a produce room in this house so that I can survive this change of season.
And this change of other things. Yes. That.
Big Dave says I'm freezing him out...which either means that I have resumed having "personal summers" again...or he is wrong. Since he is right most of the time...I'm going to assume that it is me. Because if the former is true...then this spring and summer will be like being pregnant in the summer...and if the latter is...then Alabama Power is singing "We're in the Money" for reals.
So hot. So, so hot.
And not THIS kind of hot, either...
THAT I could deal with. What I am talking about is more like this...
Ironically, I actually wrote up to this point on Monday...the day that I had amazingly good intentions of writing something each day this week.
What is it that they say the road to Hell is paved with? Exactly.
This week I've felt like this was my theme song...
Turns out there was more than personal summers, my metabolism rocketing up from "non-existent" to "seriously?" due to my commitment to walk 30 minutes a day, and the change of season.
Yep...the A/C. Ye Olde Air Conditioning Unit. Except it is only ten years old...and geothermal. Big Dave thought we would be smart to put in a geothermal unit in 2001 to save energy costs (yes, we were "green" before "green" was cool.) Frankly, I can only hope that we're saving money...because if we are not...
Can we say, yikes?
Apparently it is a burned out board or something technical that I really can't begin to comprehend. What I DO know is that the air conditioning is on, and there's a snowball's chance in...well...you know...that I'll actually get some sleep tonight.
Because I have been up at least an hour earlier than I needed to be for the past two mornings. This morning I actually showed up for work an hour early...because it was THAT hot in this house. Or so it seemed.
I missed winter this year...and can only hope that summer is unseasonably mild in June and we don't go straight from this to "so hot your swimming pool feels like a hot tub."
But there I go borrowing trouble...
Tonight I'm just grateful that the house is cool and that I don't yet know what this is going to cost to fix. La-la-la-la-la...denial. Hey, at least I'm not sweating like a hoe in dirt (or is it ho in church?) Whatever. :)
Here in the South...we normally don't stop at "hey"..."hello"...or "hi"...we tend to add a little something else to it. Most of the time, I will greet someone with "Hey girl!" even if I'm reasonably sure of their name, because it is just what I do. I also tend to call people "honey"..."sweet girl"..."buddy"..."sweet friend"...or "darlin'" in normal conversation. Only occasionally do I ever actually catch myself doing it. And that's really okay. I live in the South...and that seems to be just what we do.
Except that I've noticed that beyond the greeting...we always tend to go one step further...we throw out "How are you?"..."How's it going?"...or "What's up?" right behind it. That's not really a bad thing in itself...except that only about one out of every ten times we ask...we actually wait for the answer.
Anyone caught him/herself doing this other than me? Ever answered with "How are you?" and then just keep walking while totally avoiding eye contact? I've gotten where I will respond, "Fine, thank you." when asked by a salesperson...but I've been known to ask virtual strangers how they are to fill dead air. Strange but true.
Oh, so you've done that too? Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought...
By the way, the person who gets kudos for the best response to the "I'm not thinking and am on auto-pilot so I will ask him how he is"...is Dave Ramsey who answers callers who ALWAYS ask him this (out of habit...and in part to hear him respond, methinks) with...
"Better than I deserve..."
That answer totally rockse, by the way. Because no matter what kind of craziness your life is experiencing, how bad you think you feel, how disappointed you might be with your lot in life, or how incredibly close you travel to the edge of the abyss...you are still better than you deserve.
Amen.
Many people have asked me how things have been going...especially because I have mentioned that I want my 50th year to be special...I need to be losing about a gazillion pounds...and because life in banking since 2008 has been fraught with uncertainty. Yes, I have made the commitment to be more intentional about life this year. Yes, I realize that life is not a Lifetime movie with all of the strings neatly tied up in two hours. No, I am not out of my mind. But my response to people these days has been...
"It's going..."
Because it is. Whether or not I like it, think I'd prefer something different, or wish certain aspects could last forever or be over quickly. Life is moving on...and as it stands right now...I'm moving along with it. Feel free to interpret that however suits you. Because no matter how things are going...they are...well...GOING. Time marches on, the show must go on, ready or not here it comes...and all of that.
I've truly been trying to be intentional...and I've been far successful with that than I have my eating plan or just about anything else. I started off the weekend after my birthday with a bang...including hearing Tim Tebow speak at a function that a local organization brought him in to raise money for...one of three events of this kind that he is doing this year. He came to Montgomery, Alabama on March 16th...I got tickets...and I was not disappointed. The food was good, we had a nice time, and I loved hanging on his every word. Of course, back in steerage where I was (because as much as I love Tim Tebow...I couldn't pay $450 to actually meet him)...some Mensa candidate had messed up the sound system. The interviewer, a local sports guy was in and out...but mercifully...I could hear what Tim said. He inspired the crowd to "finish strong" and he was just as incredible off the field as he is on it. Yes, I've followed Tim since he was a freshman at Florida although I am not a Gators fan. But I have always been a Tim Tebow fan. Ironically, a few days after he spoke here, he was traded to the New York Jets.
Now I'm a Jets fan because as long as Tim Tebow is there...I'm watching. I will not watch the Denver Broncos as long as John Elway is in any way associated with that organization. Bless Peyton Manning's heart...he should have just retired while he was ahead...or picked somewhere else to go. I am no longer a fan of his either.
The following day (Saturday, March 17th)...in spite of forgetting to wear green...I did something I haven't done in awhile...just because I wanted to. I went through the Dalraida area of town and just looked at the beautiful azaleas and dogwood trees blooming. In established neighborhoods, these seem to be a mainstay...and in the red clay of Dalraida (as opposed to the prairie soil of Pike Road)...they seem to just be on visual overdrive. I rode down to the first house we owned in Deerfield and saw our old house. Someone has a swingset in the backyard and let some of the bushes we planted die. Funny...I can still walk through that house in my mind. It was the home we brought our babies home to...and the first of the two we have built from the ground up. I just hope that whoever is living there now has covered up that gosh awful Waverly wallpaper that I just had to put in the foyer. It is only gosh awful now, mind you. At that time, I thought it was amazing. But then again, I have never been accused of being a decorating genius either.
That was pretty much the biggest understatement EVER, by the way.
The following day, I went to church...as I am blessed to be able to do...and I ran into my friend, Bonnie, who had extra tickets to the Michael W. Smith concert on March 18th. Despite having all kinds of company and people coming and going...I went. Usually I miss things like this, but I was determined to go...and I'm very glad that I did. What a blessing! In case you don't know who Michael W. Smith is...if you've been in church - especially contemporary worship - you have heard his music. He's an amazing artist.
But then came the normal work week. And like a vapor...all of that intentionality started to seep away. Started - mind you - but it was not a totally successful evacuation.
Thankfully.
This week I have photographed the horses that are so beautiful in a pasture by my house. Every morning for the past several years...I have vowed to stop and just take a picture. This week...I did. The photos aren't particularly good...and two of the mama horses were looking at me a little funny. But I stopped and took the photo. I'll take more later...but at least I've done it once.
I also cleaned my son's room top to bottom...and not because the Health Department came in here or for any other reason than I wanted him to come home from his beach trip to a clean room, clean clothes, and a clean start for his week. I also moved a picture from one part of his room to another...something I've been meaning to do for three years.
Three. Years.
I've also written a couple of notes as people have crossed my heart, and have more than once just sat still and listened to something or let a thought run through my mind. I've felt the sunshine on my face, and noticed that my roses are starting to act like they want to bloom. I think that the irises all over the yard have made them envious.
Right now, if you ask me how I am I'd answer that it is a little rough because I'm a bit disappointed in someone, but that's part of what happens in life when people are involved. Because people aren't perfect...however much you may wish for them to be. It isn't one of those earthshattering "oh my gosh!" moments...just a quiet sadness that makes me wish that I understood the motivation.
But while that isn't perfect...the steak I had last night certainly was. As was spending the past three days with just Big Dave and the dogs. And so was the visit with my folks this afternoon. So there's that.
I don't know what the next week is going to bring...but I am hoping that it is as wonderful as I want it to be. But I'm paying attention to life...and hoping for the best to come my way.
Oh, I know what you're thinking..."This poor girl thinks that she has to write 365 blogposts about what she is going to do with herself this year...which will last about oh, say, about a week?" (And you would be right...because life tends to go on overdrive...)
Or maybe you weren't thinking that at all. You were thinking, "Please tell me that something has happened to this girl that she can relay to me that will make me laugh and make me stop thinking about the closet/garage/car that I need to be cleaning out."
Don't we all love a diversion? I know I do. In fact, I pretty much rely on diversions.
I had a pretty incredible birthday yesterday in spite of the fact that I had undone stuff at work that I needed to get done so that I could truly enjoy my off day. So, I went to work although I was scheduled off for my birthday and was able to get it done. I am so happy that I did...because today feels pretty great. Plus, I have a lot going on today anyway that I would have had to rush through had I been at work. Finally, doesn't being off for three days (including the weekend) actually make far more sense anyway? Answer: YES. I struggle in that "actually makes far more sense" category as a general rule because I tend to think outside the box...which sometimes makes life interesting.
Take for instance some minor bickering going on this morning in my house. Big Dave and I actually had a "tiff" (Southernese for "on each other's nerves") over the fact that wedding pictures are expensive. He thinks (because he is a MAN) that a year after the pictures are made nobody looks at them anyway. He also thinks that paying for photos what you pay for a used car is ridiculous because "in this world of digital photos...how hard is it really?" (BLASPHEMY! These are WEDDING PICTURES!)
To be fair, though...let's break this down, shall we? (Including stating the obvious...)
1. NOBODY in this family is getting married. All of my nieces and nephews - save three - one who is a freshman in college and two that are under the age of seven - are already married. Jill is not and Brian is not getting married. The unmarried people in my family are also not getting married unless I'm just out of the loop. Possible...but unlikely.
2. We have not volunteered to pay for anybody's wedding pictures. (For obvious reasons.) Nobody is putting down a deposit, planning "must-have" photos or even - to my knowledge - considering needing a photo shoot anytime soon. It is difficult enough for me to get my two together for the annual Christmas card photo at Thanksgiving. I'm not really up for trying my luck at doing any more than that right now.
3. I don't have money to pay for wedding pictures right now anyway...even if someone WAS getting married (which they aren't...so, whatever.)
4. I have only had one cup of coffee and I am not rational until after 9:00 a.m. at the very earliest. After 9:00 a.m. it remains debatable...but definitely before 9:00 a.m. I AM. NOT. RATIONAL. He knows this and has for nearly thirty years.
5. It is Friday, my day off, and I am coming off of "feeling the love" of my birthday yesterday...so I'm feeling a little bit like a Miss America contestant...all full of "World Peace" and such. I want to dream big dreams, see the possibilities, launch into "The hills are alive...with the sound of music..." (but not really sing, because, seriously...not good.)
And yet.
Big Dave doesn't understand why people pay so much for wedding pictures. Does. Not. Understand.
And I said that when Jill gets married, he is going to have to get over himself. Which led to the fact that he isn't paying an "arm and a leg" for a wedding...and me saying that "he's a man and wouldn't understand anyway" and it went on from there. He won when he said, "Jill isn't getting married right now."
Yeah. Well... FINE. (In the South, "FINE" means "anything but 'fine'" in case you need an interpreter. Or are male. Or are just Big Dave on my nerves.)
Yes, we are arguing about non-existent wedding pictures for a wedding that is not happening at THIS point in time, anyway...for our daughter. OR our son. I think that God would prepare us for this seeing as we have been praying for their future spouses for many years. I know I have. And specifically. I think Big Dave's prayers have been more or less "Please let whoever she marries not be a complete bonehead or someone who thinks he's going to ask me for jack squat after the day he drives away with her." or something to that effect.
Then there's also that whole aspect of neither one of our children springing a wedding on us any time soon if they expect more than a can of Planters nuts, a container of French Onion dip, potato chips, and some pastel mints from the Dollar Tree at the reception...or a Rehearsal Dinner at Arby's (with coupons...like 5 for $5) because we are still reeling from the expense of the experience Jill has had as Phi Mu at the University of Alabama...and all that this distinction entailed.
Okay, I'm exaggerating. (But not by a lot.)
But you really must understand...many of my friends have daughters (or sons) getting married right now. Some of their children are older than mine...but others are the same age. Jill has two married classmates and at least five others who are actively planning weddings. I expect that number to dramatically increase over the next few years as they finish college and start out in life independent of their parents (or at least...that's the plan). After all...just a few years ago we were worried about getting them through high school and choosing a college. In Jill's case, I was all about sorority rush and all that. I'm fairly close to "over that" right now because my friends are moving on to...
Weddings. And grandchildren. But I'm seriously okay with just being obsessed with weddings.
I think that men don't really understand that not only does a girl grow up to dream of meeting her prince (relatively speaking) and having a fabulous wedding (and a wonderful marriage after the wedding)...so does her mother. When they hand you a bundle wearing pink...those hopes and dreams begin formulating then. I can't really speak to other areas of the country...but here in the South...that is just they way it is. I don't expect to hijack her wedding planning from her...I just like dreaming about the possibilities. Granted, the mothers handed a bundle wearing blue are planning how to keep those shameless tramps away from their "precious" but that's another blogpost entirely.
They aren't the only "buzz-kills" out there. Nor is Big Dave.
My sweet mother-in-law has reminded me that Jill may never get married and that I just need to face that reality. Every time I talk about Jill's future wedding...which Big Dave says is "way too often"...she reminds me that I may be worrying for no reason.
I think it is an understatement to politely mention that I totally do not wish to hear this. Like at all.
I'm not worrying, though! She is missing the point that I don't want to face realities such as her marrying someone we don't particularly like or think is right for her...or that she may never find her Mr. Right. I'll deal with that if it comes. I'm not interested in reality! I get enough of that in my life as it is.
To me, reality would be an actual prospective groom who has nervously asked for permission to marry her and her Daddy actually agreeing to this...and my daughter with stars in her eyes and a ring on her finger (that she actually likes) eying my non-existent bank balance to plan a wedding that encompasses every single solitary idea that I have on my Pinterest board called "Someday..." It is called "Someday..." because that day is "not today."
I mean...THAT is when we really need to worry. But now? Nah. Just the idea of her wedding is enough for me. Kind of like when I look at Southern Living and see a really cute garden party that would just be precious if I could figure out how to "throw it together" or the eighteen boards on "Pinterest" loaded with ideas that I will in all likelihood never, ever do because I know that I am in the 1%.
The 1% of people who cannot do what the other 99% CAN do. Of course, I can do things that the other 99% cannot do...so that's fair. I guess.
Dreaming and planning an unscheduled event totally suits me. For now, anyway.
But today's "discussion" about wedding photos just tells me that Big Dave is not going to whip out that checkbook willingly unless he is totally on board with Jill's intended. Same for Brian. Although, REALLY, in the grand scheme of things...boys are so much easier to marry off than girls. So. Much. Cheaper.
The other reason I tend to focus on this is that she is graduating and getting ready to start her own life in just a few weeks from now and for the first time in forever...I don't know her plan. I always have...and now I don't. In my own sad little control-freakish way...I am trying to adjust to the idea of not having a whole lot of say into her life anymore. But the wedding? I suppose with a wedding...the "golden rule" still applies. As in "he who has the gold...makes the rules." Ah, you know what I mean.
In seven weeks, she will (Lord willing) graduate and will then probably move away and will take off in a direction of her own choosing. At least four years in Tuscaloosa has partially prepared me for this eventuality. Maybe the "wedding" is the last thing that I know that she and I will be guaranteed to do together...and maybe I'm a little bit scared about facing THAT reality.
After all, that's perfectly normal, right? I've been raising her for 22 years so that she can graduate and go do something fabulous with her life. We've poured all of what we've been equipped to offer her into her...and she has more than adequately repaid us with more than we ever dreamed of in a daughter. Which is absolutely a blessing that we didn't adequately prepared for when we heard the words "It's a girl!" and were so busy being overjoyed that we didn't care. (And after that were too exhausted to notice...)
She is quite a girl, you know. And one of these days - Lord willing - I really will be worrying about planning a wedding. But for now...I'm not worried. I'm dreaming. Planning little "Pinterest boards" in my mind...and enjoying sharing the joy with my friends whose daughters and sons are already planning the walk to remember. Jill will have her own ideas about what she wants...and as has happened with everything else in her life...so you'd think I'd be used to it by now. But I know in my heart of hearts that God will provide both the groom and the funds to have a lovely wedding when that time comes.
Looking at my bank balance...I realize that this time...Is. Not. Now.
Big Dave just came back in to kiss me goodbye and tell me not to worry about anything just yet. I told him that I wasn't worried...just dreaming. He knows. He just wanted to keep me grounded so that I'll actually be super-excited for Jill when that time comes and won't be stressed out about it. Because it is my hope that someday it will. And that I'll be there to see it. Because she will be a beautiful bride. She's beautiful when she bounces in here with minimal makeup and her hair in a ponytail. When she first gets up and also when she looks like a million bucks when she is about to go out with her friends.
And what a vision she will be on her wedding day...
Which is NOT today. So, back to reality...which involves bathing dogs and dusting...and does NOT include dreaming. So until later...
Tonight is the last night of my 49th year drawing breath. Now, I actually believe that life begins at conception...but for the sake of counting...I'm beginning with when I actually was born. Tomorrow I'll be 49 years old and the day after...I begin my 50th year.
I know that most (read that: normal) people only count being 50 when they actually get there...but I'm a planner (this is a tremendous understatement to those of you who don't know me well)...so I feel like a year such as my 50th should be a little bit more intentional.
Which is why I want to try to spend it a little differently. Differently meaning not necessarily all blown-out-big-time-over-the-top-ridiculously-overwhelming-amazingly-detailed-and-difficult-in-spite-of-my-best-efforts like I pretty much do everything else. More like just - "different."
And why not?
I am past the age where I care about everyone's impressions...and where there are some things that I'm really okay to be well...past. I don't worry so much about signs of aging...because honestly...I've earned all of this "evidence" and wishing it to be otherwise is a colossal waste of time. And time is one of those things that I respect a whole lot more than I used to.
I am also to the point where I've done most of the biggest things on my list...and now I'm on to the fine tuning, so to speak. And there is a lot of fine tuning to do. I have run roughshod over the first fifty years and I'm ready to slow it down. After all, I'm already blessed to actually be contemplating this...and I know it.
Of course, I also know that the best way to make God laugh is to make plans. As such, consider these VERY loose plans. As in...more of a general outline.
Surely you remember outlines. I know I do. I also know that I haven't really kept up with the basic changes in this...so if you are an English teacher, a current student, or just someone who wants to make sure that I am reeducated...humor me.
The big ideas all have Roman numerals (I, II, III...) and they are the "big rocks" in the jar, so to speak.
Moving past you on that "big rocks" comment? Well, here's a story synopsis...
A lecturer at a university is giving a pre-exam lecture on time management. On his desk is a bag of sand, a bag of pebbles, some big rocks and bucket. He asks for a volunteer to put all three grades of stone into the bucket, and a keen student duly steps up to carry out the task, starting with the sand, then the pebbles, then the rocks, which do not all fit in the bucket.
"The is an analogy of poor time management," trills the lecturer, "If you'd have put the rocks in first, then the pebbles, then the sand, all three would have fit. This is much like time management, in that by completing your biggest tasks first, you leave room to complete your medium tasks, then your smaller ones. By completing your smallest tasks first you spend so much time on them you leave yourself unable to complete either medium of large tasks satisfactorily. Let me show you.."
And the lecturer re-fills the bucket, big rocks first, then pebbles, then sand, shaking the bucket between each so that everything fits. When everything was set in place...water filled in the rest.
The moral of the story? You have to know the difference between the rocks, pebbles, sand and water in your life. You also have to understand that a rock to you may be a pebble to someone else and your sand may be somebody's rock...but that's another analogy for another day.
My rocks? Easy.
God. Family. Friends. Job.
I'm about to add one more rock in there...Health/Wellness. Trust me when I tell you that THIS will spawn an entire plethora of blogposts. (I promise.)
So...back to my "outline analogy"...I have my Roman numerals done. Now to fill in the capital letters...
And therein lies the challenge. It would be really easy to just put on there everything I think should be done or needs to be done...or might even have snowball's chance in Hades of getting done. I don't want to do that. It hasn't really worked for the past 49 years...so why keep that old script? And by the way...challenges do not scare me...they inspire me. The problem is making them so difficult that all I do is focus all of my energies on the challenge. Which would, of course, defeat the purpose of being intentional now wouldn't it?
I've decided that for 50 of the 52 weeks this coming year, I'm going to either start something new, learn something new, go somewhere fabulous, serve someone generously, strengthen something, let go of something, or intentionally just "be." The other two weeks I may be doing the same...but maybe not. I'm building in some wiggle room so this stays fun.
Why not, right?
On the eve of my last day of my 49th year (and for those of you who are confused...remember that a baby lives a year before we count them as "1" because we mark where they've been...not where they are going...which is what I am doing) I'd like to just rest and think. Think of the possibilities and where I'd like to be a week from now. Not a year from now. A WEEK FROM NOW. I'm tired of long term thinking.
After all, we aren't really promised tomorrow. (Although I seriously hope I have tomorrow because I haven't opened up a couple of birthday cards because I'm being all retentive about it not being my birthday yet.) I've married, built a house, had children, gotten to know my parents as people instead of "authority figures" and I've worked 27 years in a career field. I've had best friends, watched miracles happen, grown in my faith, and felt the sting of losing someone irreplacable and amazing and shared the joy of countless people. I've bought a brand new car, owned four great dogs and one half-crazy but very sweet cat, and I put a pool in my back yard. I'm a college graduate, have an MBA, and I taught banking classes for ten years. I've grown gardenias and roses, visited Europe and Cabos San Lucas...and have seen my a niece and two nephew marry. I've had wonderful in-laws, eaten pretty much whatever I've wanted (which really does need to stop)and have finally made a decent pan of biscuits...once. I've been to Washington D.C., seen Van Goghs up close and attended a wedding in Newport, R.I. I've lived in or visited several states and I've seen puppies being born (and then cried when they went to their forever homes).
All in all...the list of things I've wanted to do has been pretty well exhausted. A few remain...writing a book, losing weight so I don't have to worry so much, being a better person...and so much more that I can't even think about right now.
This blog has been part of all of that. A way for me to just express who I am...whether anybody really cared or not. Thankfully, many of you have. Cared, that is.
For those of you who have stayed with me for the past (almost) three years that I have written this blog...thank you. I know I've been Sue Slacker lately in the posting department...but I've gone from the throes of TurboTax to the FAFSA to addressing envelopes. From the reorganizing of rooms, closets, piles of stuff and balancing checkbooks obsessively. I've done just about everything I have to do...but very little of what I want to do lately. That was actually by design.
As I obsess about my busyness, though, I realize that I'm not so different from everyone else. We work, clean, help, support, call, deal, straighten, and visit ourselves into oblivion. The only ones that I think have it right are perhaps those that are the big exercisers. At least they look good. As they should for all that effort. Me with all my busyness? Not so much.
I guess in closing, I am hoping that the next year will be an exercise in being intentional. About loving people in such a manner that they don't doubt that there is at least one person on this earth who has their back. About learning all that I am capable of learning if it will bring me joy. About being who God has left me here these nearly fifty years to be. I'm obviously not there yet...because I am still HERE.
Thankfully.
So - check back in with me and please feel free to comment. I would like to share the journey with as many people as possible because there is something gratifying in sharing something of myself and having that impression bounced back. I always learn something. And that's pretty much the goal for this year.
And goodbye to age 48...I'll be turning 49 tomorrow and beginning my 50th year on Friday.
Time flies when you're having fun. Even when you aren't. Join me...
Tonight - in a conversation with someone that matters (unlike the legions of customer service people that just seem to WANT to encounter my alter-ego, Towanda) - I was called "crazy." Not as in "Girl, you are so CRAZY you just make me laugh..." or "That's so CRAZY that you would do that because I was just craving a Snickers bar/cupcake/Sprite Zero/whatever."
No. This was CRAZY in that way that guys talk about their ex-girlfriends to anyone who will listen. The way that we describe the person who is on Jerry Springer screaming, "Oh no she DINT."
Yes. That.
And it stung. Not so much that I haven't encountered this particular complaint before...because I do tend to get very emotional about things that matter to me. I have also been guilty of holding in a lot of things and then they all escape from me like a volcanic eruption with lava words spewing out. I try to get along but sometimes I just can't...and my attempts to try to cover this up because increasingly more and more awkward because apparently every other mature human being on Earth CAN hold their tongue. But not me. So the way that I handle this is to spend less time in situations that make me act this way. Much like a person who needs to lose weight doesn't hang out by the counter at McDonald's breathing in the french fry grease.
The difference this time was that I clearly wasn't trying to be difficult. Actually, I was trying to understand someone else's odd behavior. To explain why something was inappropriate and difficult to understand...because it obviously was.
Yet, I am the one who is CRAZY.
I will even admit to having times over the past few years where I have been a little bit on the CRAZY side...and I will blame that one entirely on hormones. Because there is nothing subtle about a certain point in time in a woman's life. It is what it is. And when I am going through one of these "episodes"...I can count on Big Dave to be honest about whether I am being rational or not. Not that he actually voiced this...I could see the fear in his eyes.
But tonight? Nope. He is as baffled as I am. No harm. No foul.
There is something that happens to you on the inside when you wonder what you could have possibly done to deserve that kind of condemnation. I mean...in this particular case...it has been a long-term relationship...and one of those that is just going to be problematic from time to time. But life is short and harming relationships - especially a close one - is just something that you don't do.
Kind of like pulling on Superman's cape or spitting into the wind. Or pulling the mask off the Lone Ranger. Just. Not. Done. (Thank you, Jim Croce.)
So, tonight I am reflecting on whether or not I am CRAZY or not...and I've decided that I am. I'm CRAZY about my husband and my friends. I'm CRAZY about Tim Tebow and the Foo Fighters and Reese's Peanut Butter cups. I'm CRAZY about making people laugh and trying to bring joy to others. And I'm CRAZY in love with the idea of being a stronger Christian and being a better person overall.
But I'm not CRAZY. Not like that.
I may care too much, state my opinion too freely, or go off on a tangent that makes no sense. I may even love people to such a point where they have to tell me, "Seriously...I'm good." But I've never thought that any of these things were in themselves...CRAZY.
If you are reading this...do know that I am not fishing for compliments. What I am doing is trying to tell you that sometimes the words we say get stuck like barbs onto someone else's soul...and they don't deserve that. If they were unintentional...that's fine. If they were not well thought out...I can get over that as well. But something like this hurts in a way that is really quite difficult to describe. And by the way, "You know what I meant by that..." just doesn't cut it in case you were wondering.
I am going to start paying closer attention to the words that I say...even to customer disservice departments that I encounter along the way. Apparently some version of karma is being a total bee-otch about right now.
I'm going to continue being me...just more intentional. Which is just saying that I'll think more before I speak...but probably only a millisecond or two. I mean, I'm nearly 49 years old...and some things...well...you know.
Yeah.
As CRAZY as this sounds...I'm going to do everything I can just to act like this never happened. To count it as one of those things that is said when someone is just backed into a corner and can't really think of anything else to say. To assume that it isn't so much about me...but about the fact that that one word was thrown out there hoping that it would shut down the discussion.
And it worked. It really did.
But tomorrow is another day...and life is too short to hold a grudge. Just knowing that is proof that I'm not...
Today is Valentine's Day, and that means many things to many people. I suppose I should really rephrase that to read that it means different things to each of us. For some, this is a day of planning an elaborate marriage proposal, a fun surprise, or baking six dozen cookies for a child's class party. It most assuredly involves something either pink, red, or sugar-laden...or possibly...all of the above.
For some of us, this day brought a beautiful and thoughtful bouquet of flowers, a great dinner out, or a card left somewhere where it would easily be discovered. It may be a day when chocolate is consumed sans guilt, you get to pick the movie, or somebody went to Jared's.
Wherever that is.
For others, it will be Tuesday...or framed as SAD..."Singles Awareness Day." My son believes that it is "National Florist and Card Company Extortion Day"...but then again...he's 19 and male. And in case you're wondering, he chose not to be extorted this year.
(Which meant that he got the ten minute lecture on how one day some girl friend/girlfriend/wife person wasn't going to put up with that junk. Future daughter-in-law? You're welcome.)
Valentine's Day, in my humble opinion, is a celebration of "eros" love with the focus on the significant other (at best) or a new interest (at worst). It is also the time when any "iffy" relationship is definitely going to go south...because I've found that more often than not, this day is going to involve a serious minefield for any guy...and if he's not committed or isn't fairly secure in his relationship...he'd rather be doing anything but dealing with this day). It isn't the best day for a first date...or, frankly, even one of the first ten dates. It just carries too much pressure with it.
It also has been extended - thanks to elementary schools all over this great country - to include friends and a huge party that is not likely to tick off anyone in this politically correct culture in which we navigate. As long as everyone brings everyone a valentine...all is well. As the turn to junior high is made, there are some hurt feelings and awkward moments as someone generally steps out each year to do something dramatic...only to find it is a total fail. In high school, some of the girls begin getting flowers in the office or some bangle, giant cookie, or stuffed animal that make the other girls seethe with envy.
Oh, maybe that was just me.
Thanks to our friends at Hallmark (and their cousins at American Greetings and the like), we are now expected to send valentines to family members. Personally, I think it is a brilliant marketing strategy. And yes, I was suckered in to purchasing cards for my family members.
(My friend, Cindy, is probably thinking..."Girl, you could have MADE those cards...but who am I to judge?" Cindy's cards are beautiful, by the way.)
So, today, on this day of love, you've probably covered the eros and the philos loves pretty well, yes? If not, every grocery store, florist, department store and discounter in the United States will be happy to help you with that.
(And if you are all Dave Ramsey-ish...just remember that tomorrow everything will be 50% off. Score!)
What you may have missed, though, is some expression of agape love. you know agape...(uh-gah-pay)...loosely defined as "Christian brotherly love." You know what I mean...doing something for someone who could probably use it just because you love Jesus and are willing to serve. It might be the neighbor who is rarely seen but would love some flowers or the lady in your Sunday School class who was recently divorced and was so sad during the hearts and flowers today because it takes her to an awkward place. Or the man down the street who is sick and just wants to feel better...but might like an original Crayola masterpiece from your five year old.
Just think about it. As for me...it has always been my contention that anyone you run across in your daily life is your mission field.
If you didn't get enough agape in today, make an effort to look around you this week for someone that you can bless. Bonus points if you can do it anonymously...and if it is more than they can possibly expect. Don't have any idea where to start? Well, pray about it. Then hide and watch.
You'll be inspired and awed by what He will open your eyes to all around you. That little whisper that you ignore because you worry about what someone will think? Quit worrying. Just act. Pay it forward...share a card...whatever.
The word "agape" (as in agape love) and "agape" (uh-GAPE) are spelled exactly the same way but the former means (as already mentioned...) "Christian brotherly love" and the latter means "mouth wide open...as surprised, shocked, or awed." Coincidence? I think not.
When we embrace the love of God...truly embrace it...the recipients of that outpouring of His love through us (agape) will have their mouths "agape" and how much and how uniquely He loves each of us. Make it a point to stun people by listening to that inner prompting...just remember to point them to Jesus.
Happy Valentine's Day! If you are reading this, it is my ardent hope that you have received all three sources of love today. Just remember, though, that we cannot control what we receive from others...only what we give to others. Give of yourself as you are prompted by the Spirit to act. When you do...it will be a thing of beauty...and love.
I am 48 years old, reasonably educated, and have been married for 27 years this July. I have two children: 22 and 19 and have survived the teenage years, Rush, college tuition, and am now about to launch the first one out of the nest in the coming months. I am a cat owner...to a sweet, but inbred outdoor cat named Elle who loves us then she is afraid of us then she loves us and on and on. I'm also the owner of two dogs - Rebel and Dixie - and have been the former owner of two sweet dogs who are waiting on me at the pearly gates...Hannah and Harley.
I've been a Christian since I was 10, but have had periods of my life where it was impossible to know it, and I'm not really proud of that at all. I struggle with my weight but I don't struggle with spelling, thinking outside the box or knowing that I am immensely blessed. Many of my dreams have come true and others have just changed so much over time that I barely know what I could have possibly been thinking when I had some of those dreams in the first place.
I know a wide variety of people and I love them where they are. Primarily because I know that change in everything...including people...is inevitable. I also know that nobody is perfect...but that given the encouragement to just be themselves...most come extremely close. Although I am not always good about keeping up with people and what is going on...I like to think that my friends know that I care and that they can call me at any point in time to share whatever it is that needs sharing.
I get excited about other people finding success and I don't hesitate to share their joy because there is no conceivable way that I could possibly do some of what my friends accomplish. I cheer on the kids I know because I don't think that most of us realize that sometimes the people who should be filling kids up drop the ball and as a result lives are changed because those kids think that even at their best...nobody cares about them. If I see something worthy of praise...I more often than not am going to be fairly obnoxious in that praise. I make every attempt possible to be as honest as I can, though, because the last thing I personally need is someone pumping sunshine into places where it doesn't belong...and I pretty much feel that this is a universal sentiment. We in the South tend to struggle with being so positive and nice to everyone that our words can evaporate into unbelievability.
I've dreamed big dreams for my children but I'm aware that they are at that point in time where they have to pick up the threads of my dreams for them and either hand them back to me to tie up and forget or carry them forth into their futures with their own unique spin. Thankfully, they are both amazingly low-key like their Dad, and surprisingly talented in their own unique ways. Jill has never worked for anyone who wouldn't take her back as an employee in a second...and Brian can do pretty much anything mechanical, mathematical or culinary...all of which elude me. Big time.
I live in Alabama...where people don't call me KAY-RUN...although I'm actually okay with my sweet Georgia friends who do. I have good, solid, Christian friends here who will not hesitate to support me, and I've somehow managed to stay employed in the field of banking since I started working at age 22.
I can carry a tune, but have no range. I love rock music but don't really hate other genres of music except possibly rap if the WalMart version sounds like a recording of the Emergency Broadcast Service because everything has been bleeped. OH...and most Barry Manilow...and Chicago. I love praise music in church, but I don't like to stand up longer than ten minutes because I'm a bit lazy.
Okay...maybe more than a bit.
I'm an indoor person and would prefer to be on the computer, reading a book, or watching a movie. However, I like the outdoors and LOVE the beach...but I am not a fan of wicked hot summers that feel like the portal of Hades...when the swimming pool feels like a hot tub and I look like I've just finished a set at Madison Square Garden with my band. Except that I don't have a band.
In short...I have lived and loved and worked and watched and hoped and dreamed and prayed and waited.
During all of this...I have gathered up some little bursts of wisdom either from other people, personal experience or more commonly...messing up. Here it is. For what it's worth. Which may be nothing...but eh, you'll read or not read...totally up to you.
1. If you have a daughter, her father's opinion of her...the time he spends with her, how he treats her, and what he pours into her will far exceed anything her mother or anyone else does.
Encourage this relationship to be wonderful and if your husband is shy about stepping up to take care of his baby girl and being the father she deserves...remind him that he is the most important person in her life in shaping who she believes herself to be. Yes, it is possible for someone else to step in if he is missing through death or other circumstances. But if he is there...he needs to know his importance...and act accordingly.
(Thank you, Big Dave, for listening to me all of those years ago and taking this as your own personal crusade years later on your own. You are amazing.)
2. It is okay to ask for help.
Sometimes people ask for help when they are really just being lazy or are failing to channel their inner-Scarlett, but often folks will struggle in silence because it is just easier to not be accountable. Trust me on this.
I have met my share of martyrs in this life and as much as they are appreciated...the frustration that they cause because nobody knows quite what to do or say is usually equal or more than any good that they ever do. Worse...they never seem to feel the love...but they can sure enough feel that disdain. So they do more. And more. And then one day...it all comes crashing down when something shifts their footing and they find that they are holding up everything in their own strength.
I find that sometimes the bravest people are those that just go, "HEY...I'm struggling." to the right people. Not the people who they want to be there for them because they want a favor returned...but those who are actually standing there waiting for instructions. Even better if they aren't waiting but are just handling things without input because they know you so well that words aren't really necessary. Not in that annoying controlling way...but in that quiet, loving, "I'm the real deal" friend way that we all have and normally fail to appreciate fully.
You know...the ones who will tell you when you're better than you think you are, that you messed up but that failure isn't fatal, and that although your ship came in and you were at the airport...there will be other ships. Who will hold your hand and whisper things to you like Abileen in "The Help."
If you need help. Ask. Better yet...surround yourself with people who love you so much that you can count on an enthusiastic YES when you do. Or maybe just a YES with a little less enthusiasm. But that will be enough.
3. Accept that everyone has a thorn in the flesh. It may not be obvious...but it is there. For some of us it is failure in an area of life that is public...and for others it is something that you'd never expect unless they tell you. Ask yourself this..."if I pray that this thorn is removed and it is not...will I still make every effort to be happy?"
The answer to this question is YES. Decide to be happy now! Why wait?
I have spent a lot of years whining because it isn't "fair" that I can't eat anything without thinking about it. I have been so angry about it, actually, that I just said "whatever" and ate...well...whatever. What I failed to appreciate was that it was put in my life to keep my eyes on God. My skinny friends may suffer with medical issues, money problems, or a child who is dancing on a pole somewhere to their dismay. I know not. (Really...please don't send me e-mails asking me who I'm talking about because to my knowledge this was just a random example pulled out of thin air.)
Just because my thorn is public doesn't mean that other people don't have pain. They do.
Remember that the people you encounter may be a pain in the nether regions because they are struggling with something that you cannot see. The people that appear to be together may be appearing to be perfect so that they don't just fall apart at the seams. It is so hard to tell. Just reserve your judgments...or better yet...don't judge at all.
4. Do not compare yourself to others...what they have...how they look...what they can do. Instead, get on the sidelines of whatever it is that they are doing, shake your pom-poms and cheer.
There are far too many people sitting in the stands being envious and far too few cheerleaders. I didn't make the cheerleading team in high school...but I've been dang determined to be on the cheerleading team in life.
We all should be. After all, anyone that crosses our path is actually our mission field. You don't have to be sent to Africa, Japan, or England. But if you are...I'll be all about supporting you in that as well.
My friend, Hazel, takes the most breathtaking nature pictures you can imagine. My friend, Andrea, loves daylilies so much that she has gone into business. A former French teacher of my children has started taking gorgeous wedding pictures that are breathtaking. My friend, Courtney, is blogging every step of her wedding for us to walk through it with her in real time. My friends, Buddy and his wife, Jodi, are working out and honestly look like Malibu Barbie and Ken in their profile pictures. My friend, Kayla, puts up jelly and all sorts of bounty from her farm and my friend, Libbie, is building a house.
I have a friend, Pam, that cracks me up talking about her dogs, and a friend, Cindy, that is expanding her card-making business. My friend, Chrystie, is planning a girls' trip when she isn't busy doing a million other things that are fun or creative, and I have a cousin, Lynne, who is getting stronger every day as a survivor of breast cancer. Each of these people in my life either give me something to get excited about for one reason or another. I could go on and on...but I won't. About this anyway. Just know that I could.
Because every person that I know has something to offer and something to be excited for them or with them about.
Beats whining all of the time. I should know...because whining actually comes to me far easier than anything. Your life may not look like you want. Change one thing.. You may feel unfairly treated. Aren't we all? You don't feel like it. Well, feeling follows action. So, get out of the stands and start cheering. You are blessed. Accept that.
4. Every single person on this earth...even those who drive you absolutely nuts...has something good about them. Your job is to find it.
I can already virtually "see" the eye rolling, and I can imagine that some of you are going..."Yeah, whatever...she doesn't know *fill in the blank* that I live with/work for/mother/survive.
Oh, but I do. If you have walked this earth for any period of time from junior high on...you know that there are some people that just seem to relish the idea of bursting your bubble. Yes.
That person that I worked for years ago that I referred to as "The Wicked Witch of the North"? Well, she taught me about sushi, CYA, and how to succeed in spite of giant obstacles. And much like having leg weights on your ankles...when they are removed...the muscles are strengthened. When I was unshackled from working from her..off I went. And I have never looked back.
I also had a Credit Administrator who was impossible to deal with and picked apart every single loan presentation I sent to him. I worked hard to make sure that I did my homework and answered any question that I could conceive might be asked. That trained me for my next job and the one after it. One of my regrets in life is that I didn't send him a thank you note for being so hard on me after I left the bank at which he worked. He died a short time later from a massive stroke. But I've never forgotten him...and how sometimes the people who are like sandpaper to your spirit are actually polishing you for something better in your life.
Not everyone put into our lives is a roomful of roses...sometimes a few are more like poison ivy or sand spurs. But there is a spark of the divine in everyone. Keep looking for it.
5. You have to have something to look forward to...or you will lose your mind.
Life is either busy, overwhelming, or tedious...depending on which stage of life you are currently in as you read this. If you are busy...you need to look forward to a time of rest. If you are overwhelmed...you have to be able to look forward to a time of peace. And if you are in a tedious stage...you need something to get excited about. I've found that through the years...not having some little rabbit out there for me to chase like a greyhound around a track makes everything far more difficult and less appealing than it deserves to be.
Right now, I am no longer overwhelmed that often...although I do enter that arena around the holidays and occasionally when I forget to say "no" often enough. I usually schedule time out to do absolutely nothing the week before Christmas because by that time I am incapable of being terribly productive anyway. For other people it may be a piece of Godiva chocolate at the end of a month of working out faithfully, or better yet...a pedicure. I don't know what rocks your world...but remember to reload those carrots in the machine and keep running around that track. It does seem to help.
I know some people who find something fabulous about every single day. Sometimes I feel exactly that way, too. But some days just...as one of my favorite authors, Jen Lancaster, says "blow goats." Keep looking for the little joys...but keep something out there to look forward to as well...as happiness insurance, if nothing else.
6. Realize that if you are a Christian...what you want to do isn't nearly as important as what He wants you to do.
This one has taken me years to even verbalize...but how much better would my life have been if I had stopped and asked in fervent prayer for the answers I needed to move from point A to point B? Oh, but no. I had to wait until I had exhausted all possibilities that I could envision in my own finite little mind before finally messing it so badly that I ended up in fervent prayer anyway. But instead of asking for guidance...I was often asking for forgiveness along with it.
If you are at a crossroads in life. Stop. Look up. Get on your knees and enlist an army of prayer warriors to pray for you and with you. Ask for help and plead to the Lord for His favor. And then wait. I have found that He doesn't like being early...is never late...but His timing will more often than not be different from your own. Brace yourself.
And then years from now...when you remember those prayers and this time in your life...look back and go "wow."
7. Embrace your age. Let the 20 year olds have the low cut jeans and the platform shoes.
I really do embrace this one...perhaps a little too much. I am not saying that you should be frumpy (which is what I think I embrace more often than not) but I'm saying that if you are sharing clothes with your daughter or granddaughter...you might want to rethink that. My thoughts are...fashion always repeats itself. If you wore it the first time...you can't wear it the second. Or the third.
Unless, of course, you want us to add "bless her heart" every time your name is mentioned. Because, sadly, that IS what happens. (You weren't imagining it.)
Be comfortable...cute...and fabulous. Pull off what you can...but be proud to be 30 or 40 or whatever. You've earned it!
8. Know what you believe. And be prepared to explain it. Ad nauseum.
I am sometimes stunned by the fact that some people do not know why they vote a certain way, attend a certain church, or do some of the things that they do. I don't care if you are fourteen or ninety-four...you need to know who you are, what you believe..and be able to support your position.
If you are a Christian...why? Why do you attend the church you do? Why are you pro-life or pro-choice? Why do you vote Democrat or Republican? How do you feel about gay marriage? Muslims? Welfare?
I find that most people don't really know. I know people that vote Democrat just because they always have, and people who go to church and don't honestly understand the Trinity. So they let other people do their research and thinking for them. Educate yourself...decide for yourself...and then stick to your guns. (Or be anti-gun...whatever.) Just remember that sometimes what you thought you understood may be entirely different from reality.
Take Warren Buffet for instance. Personally, as a banker, I used to have tremendous respect for Warren Buffet because I knew that he was successful and figured that the man must be absolutely brilliant. And then I started getting his political views. When I saw this...it was the nail in the coffin of my favorable opinion, so to speak...
No. Just no.
So, know what you believe, believe fervently, and keep growing and learning as everything changes over time. And try to get that video out of your mind. Best of luck with that.
10. Love.
This one is the easiest to say...but the most difficult to do. Most of us know that there are three kinds of love...eros...which is romantic love (and makes YOU feel happy), philos...which is brotherly love (which also makes YOU feel happy), and agape...which is unconditional love (and is totally not about YOU). Most of us can handle the first two...the last one? Not so much.
Face the fact that some people are just going to be...well...a hassle sometimes. Try to remember the following...
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa __________________________
2. The Original Version:
The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
