Throwing It Into Reverse

For most of us, if we have been driving any length of time, we learned a few basic rules...one of which was about throwing it into reverse. This is just simply not done unless you wish to risk your transmission and general health of your vehicle.

But with human beings, there are certain times in our lives that we simply have to throw it into reverse. Maybe we are on a path that is leading nowhere, we are stuck in a habit that we need to break, or we have a life altering event that changes the landscape for us.

And as painful as the sound of the gears grinding is...the risk of damage is far less than the risk of continuing on the road we are on. Risking our health, sanity and relationships seems to be a small price to pay sometimes for what we perceive is a big payoff somewhere down the road. This just isn't always the case.

Several years ago, I started a job that meant that I had to work an excessive number of hours to learn it. My children were small and went to bed early...so I would go home and then head back to the office once they were asleep. I managed on six hours of sleep a night...or less. Later, I was able to leave there and take a job that turned out to be even more lethal for me. After five years, I left for a better place, and life has improved dramatically as a result. Other than a hiatus of nearly a year in another dead end situation, I have been happy to merge the best of the job with my natural love of writing into a job that I enjoy most days. It had gotten to a point where a toxic situation meant that I had to shift it in reverse. I have never looked back...not fondly, anyway.

Over the past six months, I have felt more and more trapped by the decision that I had inadvertently made to not take care of myself. By not losing weight, I felt it impossible to accept invitations to attend balls, formals, or weddings. I simply did not have anything to wear, and could not justify the expense for an item that I detested the way I looked while wearing. So, I refused to attend and made excuses. I took lovely invitations to wonderful events lightly...and now I realize how much I've missed in my refusal to just pull myself together. Going to the theater became an issue because I didn't like how tight the seats were relative to a movie theater. Getting into the car meant that I would bump or bruise something at least weekly...including my hip where the seatbelt end would stab me. Every weight gain brought more limitations...and as resourceful as I pride myself on being...there are just limits to what one can actually do to fool oneself into denial.

The problem was...I found out that the more I gave up trying...the more limitations I experienced. Body parts began to ache. Anxiety in social situations became more pronounced. Feeling too embarrassed to go to the gym should have been an "aha" moment, but alas...no.

So, I am throwing it into reverse. Weight Watchers will not work for me right now because I have already been trained to their system. I KNOW what I am supposed to do. I do not need a support group. What I need is to want change more than I want to eat. I think we're there...

After giving up bathing suits, shorts, going to the theater, sitting if the chairs look frail, eating in public unless among friends, exercise classes, money eating out (that could be used for something better), wearing clothes that make me feel pretty, high heels, shirts that aren't tunics, dresses other than sheaths, dancing, bleachers of any kind, excessive walking, and dreams of travel, I think that I'm ready to do a 180 degree turn.

This is not a new mindset to me, unfortunately. The difference - this time - is that I have a reason to lose the weight. It is because I want a better quality of life. I don't expect to look like Halle Berry...I never looked like her in the first place. I just want to be the best ME I am capable of being on this side of heaven.

Yes, today the gears are grinding (stomach is growling) and the turn seems awkward (me on a bicycle...don't laugh)...but it is me trying to undo some of what I have done. This is all I have to work with...and it is time that I did a major overhaul on the external. I do believe that you can spend so much time focusing on the "inner person" that you occasionally need to shift that focus to what people see on their way to getting to know you. I also don't think that's shallow.

So, over the next few weeks, I will be trying to exercise more and eat less. I'll be drinking more water and spending less money on fast food. I'll be sleeping more and stressing less. At least...that's the plan. Say a prayer...wish me well...and keep me motivated. Later!