Unsettled

Today my spirit is a little unsettled.  Not in a way that requires a lot of explanation or is even a real cause for concern...but in a way that tells me that I'm trying to carry too much in my own strength again.  It is a fairly common occurrence for me, so I've come to recognize the signs.  I also know that this too shall pass...which is a good thing.

Like most people in this economy, and even in this day and age, I have a lot on my mind.  My long-term planning window has shifted from five years to about six months.  I dare not assume that I can look into the future with any sense of confidence...and have just stopped worrying about what might happen and have steeled myself to prepare for what each day brings.  I guess you can say that I've finally accepted that a lot of things are outside my control.

Like recessions, mergers, political elections, and the agendas of other people.  I can only manage what comes in and deal with it the best that I can. 

Not that I in any way feel like a martyr or that I'm just being tossed around by the sea of life.  That's not it at all.  I just know that sometimes when something is bothering me, it generally has a root in some truth that I have to dig out before I can move forward.

Specifically, I tend to stress out about issues with relationships, finances, and timing.  I fare a little better in the world of the unexpected, the temporarily difficult, or making do.  I suppose that each of us has ways of coping that may seem unusual to others but we've come to rely on them over time.  As a Christian, I realize that I am supposed to turn over my troubles and fears, doubts and weaknesses and expect that all will turn out for my good.  As a human, I realize that the sense of self-preservation is a constant reminder of the disconnect between the spiritual and physical sides of the person that I call "me."

We all have coping mechanisms of one kind or another, and they serve to make us either feel better about ourselves...or...sadly...worse.  Most of the time people give us a wide berth to work through things, but sometimes they won't because they are just tired.  Often we have either run people to death trying to get along with us to such a point that they just feel the need to take a stand and refuse to get caught up in our drama.  The fact that causing "drama" wasn't really our intention in the first place seems to get lost in the shuffle.

Or maybe that's just me.

I know that right now I have a lot on my mind.  I have at least three close family members that I need to talk to today.  One is going through something because of someone else's immaturity and is going to require some assistance that I cannot offer because of this week's schedule.  The second is due to me not working out something like a normal person would because I was caught off guard and needed to take a step back to think.  The third is due to my negligence in keeping up with someone that probably feels that I am uncaring.  I really want to settle the latter two because the former is something that Big Dave can work out and the last one is completely and totally my fault.

Other than a few issues with making sure that bills are paid, chores are done, and everything I can take care of is managed properly...I honestly have no reason to allow an unsettled feeling to keep me from enjoying this week of vacation.

Except right now...I'm allowing it to do just that.

But this can change, you know...if I really want it to. 

• By putting Towanda in charge of the "Vacation Departure Checklist."  Which basically means...pack your own stuff and don't worry about anybody else's.  If they aren't grown enough to remember underwear...they can drive to Target and purchase some more.
• By leaving what is undone right where it is and on hold.  If it has been undone for weeks, it can stay undone for another week.
• By using the 3 1/2 hour drive to deal with at least two of the calls I need to make because I need to get that behind me.  If people want to be mad at me...that's their choice.
• By letting my kids work things out in their own way without my involvement.  Jill is on her own and can fight her own battles and Brian is a mighty capable 20 year old.
• By committing to not worry about what might happen and to enjoy what is happening.  Because next week...life as usual resumes.
• By attempting to not try so hard.  I spend way too much energy trying to get along with people and it always ends up backfiring.  I'm just going to say what I mean instead of holding it in and then exploding in an inappropriate fashion.
• By not worrying about my weight. I am in my 50th year, and I'm not going to look 20. The goal is to eat right every meal and the weight will take care of itself.
• By letting go of any expectations for this week and just attempting to unwind...because obviously...I am pretty much a hot mess right now. Internally, anyway.

Having written that...I feel somewhat better...and I'm ready to go pack the car. I don't know what the week will bring...but I do know that it will go by way too fast. Vacations always do.

I am praying that God will give me the right frame of mind and will give me the peace to get through this week without any drama. I know that this is a tall order...but you never know. It might just work. How's THAT for a mustard seed of faith.

Guess we'll see...