Some days you wake up and know instinctively that things are not going to go your way. It is just a feeling that follows you around like a cloud of doom just waiting to rain on your parade. Sometimes it starts early and just goes downhill from there...and other times it comes out of nowhere lightning bolt that feels like a kick to the head. But either way...life is not fun for a time...and it just seems to get worse and worse...and worse.
The stormclouds refuse to part. The rain falls...and falls...and falls.
It is at times like these that I normally want to curl up in the fetal position on my couch. I want to stop being a grownup and let someone else take the reins. I want to watch what I want, eat what I want, and not deal with anything unpleasant. I feel like a little kid who has trick or treated for hours...only to find out that he's only allowed three pieces of candy a day instead of the motherlode he was expecting. In short...I'm experiencing that part of life that all of us know...but none of us like. And most of what is happening is actually happening to people that I care about...yet it seems just as bad as if it were happening to me. Sometimes...even more so.
I could whine, throw things, or pitch a fit of monumental proportions. I could shake my fist, drain my body of tears, or cuss a blue streak that would melt your ears...but why? Why do I find it necessary to rail against the things that seem to be going in more directions than a basketful of feral cats? Well, it is generally because I'd love for life to be a little more like nirvana and a little bit less like what it is. And I suspect I'm not alone in this.
But as I sit here and ponder what I'd like to be different...I realize that there is a lot that is going well. The electricity is obviously still on as I type this. My fingers are able to allow me to find the keys and my brain is still capable of stringing words together to form sentences. I am well fed and reasonably healthy. I should be grateful for all of this.
And I am.
But I am also wishing that I could fix some of what is wrong. I won't elaborate exactly what that is, but let's just say that some of it involves people in hospitals, some has to do with financial issues, and the rest has to do with wanting people I love to have the desires of their hearts. Some of it seems really easy for God to fix if He just would. In my not-so-humble opinion, of course. But He hesitates. And I squirm and fidget. Primarily because I realize that I can't fix any of the above. And because there is a part of me that knows that He really is in control and that His timetable is rarely going to coincide with mine. It is only in retrospect that His seems to make perfect sense...and mine looks ridiculous.
Knowing that I can't change any of it doesn't really make me stop wish that things were different, though. And I find that this is the tricky part of the equation. I don't want to seem ungrateful for all of the blessings in my life, or appear to be low on the "faith-o-meter" either. I believe that things generally work out as they should. I truly do. I realize that eventually some of what is bothering me now will eventually change one way or the other without my fretting simply by the passage of time. If I hang in here, I might even have the awesome opportunity to watch God move in ways that I can't imagine right now.
When things are easy, good, and like I want them...it is a little more difficult to see God's hand moving. I assume that is just the way that things are meant to be...or I fall into error thinking that it is my hand doing it.
So, right now, I feel like perhaps I'm feeling a little off-kilter because I haven't been as connected to Him as I usually am. Perhaps the present difficulties are a way of getting my attention off of myself and what I want and more on what His plan is and what He wants. Funny thing, though, it could take hours, days, or years to figure it all out.
Gee, I hope not. I've been down this road before...and I'd like to take an exit to the scenic route as soon as practical.
I hope that the answers will come quickly and that resolution to what is bothering me and people I love will come easy and be relatively pain-free. Somehow I know that this is wishful thinking. I know that there are some changes that need to occur. There are some sacrifices that will have to be made. There is some heartbreak that has to be worked through, and some healing that has to happen with time. There is the great unknown out there and all I can do is stand here and wait for someone to strike a match so that I can see a little bit farther down the path. Or set it all on fire. Don't know which would be easier at this point.
Sometimes we have these points of reflection that we look back on and wonder why we thought that everything was as bad as we thought it was. After all, we are not to worry about our lives. I know that in my head, and I'm currently in an arm-wrestling match to convince my heart to just trust that all is being worked out for my good and the good of those close to me. My heart always eventually gives in, but it is annoyingly hesitant to do so without a period of at least considering what is happening. Almost as if I have to wrestle it, pin it, and then give it up. All three of these activities are uniquely painful and time consuming.
I don't know how long this current set of trials will last, but I'm going to be spending the next few days turning them over to God one by one. It is the only way that I know to find peace. On the other hand, I'll be spending an equal amount of time praising God for all of the good things that He has already bestowed on me. This is incidentally...the only way I know to find joy.
I'm quite sure that I'm ready for a little - or a lot - of both.
Most of the time we take the little droplets of difficulty and we manage these fairly well. Other times, the rain picks up, and we try to find our way out of the storm. But there are times when we just have to abandon all hope of remaining dry and we just look up at the rain and just stay in it with our faces tilted toward heaven. The storm will eventually pass. I know this to be true.
So, this where I am right now. And I'm sure that in time...all will be well. Until then, I'll be in the rain...and will hopefully sometime soon be singing and dancing in it as well. Beats tears and angst hands down.