Tuesday, June 14, 2011


It is June...and it is hot.  H-O-T. 

Not "global warming" hot...just good ol' Southern "Hades lite."   Usually we folks down South get this sometime around the 4th of July...but this year...we're getting to experience the magic of the twin discomforts of heat and humidity at recordbreaking intensity.  Yay us (not).

Having lived in the South for most of my life, "hot" is as familiar to me as a favorite pair of flip flops.  But it IS a bit unusual to feel like I could cook dinner on the concrete on the patio without the benefit of a grill this early in the season.  By August?  Absolutely. In a normal year (of which this one apparently is not) June is the time of blue skies and lower humidity.  July is the month where it is beautiful in the morning and rains every afternoon.  August is the month that makes you want to move to Minnesota or Maine or Manitoba. 

Anywhere but here.

In years past, June has been one of my favorite months.  I mean...it is summer!  No school!  It is wonderful! 

This year...yep, it's summer all right.  We're into triple digits on the thermometer not to mention the heat index.  Ergo, the jury is still out on the "wonderful." 

I'm quite frankly afraid to move too much for fear that I'll look like I've been working out.  Not that this is a bad thing...unless I am just trying to walk across the parking lot to go to work or into church.  I've already had more than one person accuse me of having a flash because I look "hot."  That's special, don't you think?  Especially since one of them was someone Big Dave and I work with on the first Sunday breakfast crew at church.  He was trying to convince me to get in the cooler for a few minutes until it passed. 

He's not married, by the way.  Shocking, right?

Oh, I'd love to look "hot" all right...but not the hot that you look like when you work in a steel mill as a welder. Apparently, that is all that I am capable of anymore.

The pool that we pour money into so that we can have a lovely cool swim has pretty much betrayed me as well..  Mine is currently hot enough to boil rice. If you don't mind suicidal bugs in your rice, that is.  Our pool has a small collection of random dead bugs that just decided that flying around in this heat was just totally not worth the effort.  I totally get that.

You know that it is summer when all (and I do mean ALL) attempts at high fashion (or anything even remotely resembling fashion) are abandoned, as folks go into survival mode.  Women are out in force with arm flab flapping, cellulite showing, and toes bared.  It comes down to a choice: wear just enough clothes to be decent and avoid arrest...or become a victim of spontaneous combustion. 

At least our toenails are painted.  So there's that. 

Unpainted toenails, excessive cleavage and a thong sticking out from the top of your pants are about the only three things guaranteed to make other Southern women talk about you in the summer.  Or quite frankly...anytime.  You can weigh a lot and put on a bikini and nobody is going to care.  Don't believe me?  Head to Gulf Shores, Alabama or Panama City Beach, Florida and see if I'm lying.  Yeah, we'll still snicker when somebody's PawPaw sashays by with dark socks on with a Speedo, but we've pretty much accepted that Southern women who want to be at the beach honestly do not care if they need to be in a bathing suit or not.  We figure if it doesn't bother them...then live and let live.

Speedos?  No.  Just no.  Unless you are winning gold medals and I'm hearing the National Anthem while you waive your roses from the podium and the announcer is telling us your backstory.  You win a medal...you can wear a Speedo.  Otherwise, no.

I'm not entirely sure what the rest of this summer has in store for us.  It could be one of those wacky years that stays ridiculously hot for months.  I'm somehow thinking that it is some kind of karma for all of us here in the South collectively laughing about global warming because most of us believe it is a giant crock of hooey. 

Or maybe its just me.

Perhaps the heat will break in a week or so and give us a few days of relief.  Right now it seems a bit doubtful...but you never know.  I feel like it has been summer forever, and we haven't actually officially made it to June 21st yet. 

This cannot be good.

So, when you go to bed tonight...be sure to thank God for air conditioning, ice, and sandals.  I know I will.

1 comment:

  1. I have been lost myself for a while, but I'm caught up on your blog for now. I really enjoy reading. You are hilarious and have just the right words to accommodate our thinking. Keep on keeping on...