Tonight - in a conversation with someone that matters (unlike the legions of customer service people that just seem to WANT to encounter my alter-ego, Towanda) - I was called "crazy." Not as in "Girl, you are so CRAZY you just make me laugh..." or "That's so CRAZY that you would do that because I was just craving a Snickers bar/cupcake/Sprite Zero/whatever."
No. This was CRAZY in that way that guys talk about their ex-girlfriends to anyone who will listen. The way that we describe the person who is on Jerry Springer screaming, "Oh no she DINT."
And it stung. Not so much that I haven't encountered this particular complaint before...because I do tend to get very emotional about things that matter to me. I have also been guilty of holding in a lot of things and then they all escape from me like a volcanic eruption with lava words spewing out. I try to get along but sometimes I just can't...and my attempts to try to cover this up because increasingly more and more awkward because apparently every other mature human being on Earth CAN hold their tongue. But not me. So the way that I handle this is to spend less time in situations that make me act this way. Much like a person who needs to lose weight doesn't hang out by the counter at McDonald's breathing in the french fry grease.
The difference this time was that I clearly wasn't trying to be difficult. Actually, I was trying to understand someone else's odd behavior. To explain why something was inappropriate and difficult to understand...because it obviously was.
Yet, I am the one who is CRAZY.
I will even admit to having times over the past few years where I have been a little bit on the CRAZY side...and I will blame that one entirely on hormones. Because there is nothing subtle about a certain point in time in a woman's life. It is what it is. And when I am going through one of these "episodes"...I can count on Big Dave to be honest about whether I am being rational or not. Not that he actually voiced this...I could see the fear in his eyes.
But tonight? Nope. He is as baffled as I am. No harm. No foul.
There is something that happens to you on the inside when you wonder what you could have possibly done to deserve that kind of condemnation. I mean...in this particular case...it has been a long-term relationship...and one of those that is just going to be problematic from time to time. But life is short and harming relationships - especially a close one - is just something that you don't do.
Kind of like pulling on Superman's cape or spitting into the wind. Or pulling the mask off the Lone Ranger. Just. Not. Done. (Thank you, Jim Croce.)
So, tonight I am reflecting on whether or not I am CRAZY or not...and I've decided that I am. I'm CRAZY about my husband and my friends. I'm CRAZY about Tim Tebow and the Foo Fighters and Reese's Peanut Butter cups. I'm CRAZY about making people laugh and trying to bring joy to others. And I'm CRAZY in love with the idea of being a stronger Christian and being a better person overall.
But I'm not CRAZY. Not like that.
I may care too much, state my opinion too freely, or go off on a tangent that makes no sense. I may even love people to such a point where they have to tell me, "Seriously...I'm good." But I've never thought that any of these things were in themselves...CRAZY.
If you are reading this...do know that I am not fishing for compliments. What I am doing is trying to tell you that sometimes the words we say get stuck like barbs onto someone else's soul...and they don't deserve that. If they were unintentional...that's fine. If they were not well thought out...I can get over that as well. But something like this hurts in a way that is really quite difficult to describe. And by the way, "You know what I meant by that..." just doesn't cut it in case you were wondering.
I am going to start paying closer attention to the words that I say...even to customer disservice departments that I encounter along the way. Apparently some version of karma is being a total bee-otch about right now.
I'm going to continue being me...just more intentional. Which is just saying that I'll think more before I speak...but probably only a millisecond or two. I mean, I'm nearly 49 years old...and some things...well...you know.
As CRAZY as this sounds...I'm going to do everything I can just to act like this never happened. To count it as one of those things that is said when someone is just backed into a corner and can't really think of anything else to say. To assume that it isn't so much about me...but about the fact that that one word was thrown out there hoping that it would shut down the discussion.
And it worked. It really did.
But tomorrow is another day...and life is too short to hold a grudge. Just knowing that is proof that I'm not...