Over the past month, I have noticed that a lot of people have been spending an awful lot of time waiting. Some are waiting for a difficult patch in the road of life to clear, others are finishing long term projects like degrees, and a few are waiting...but aren't exactly sure what they are waiting for. It isn't easy...this waiting.
For me, I've been waiting for something to look forward to for many months. I have a wonderful life, but there are times when I just wish it away...wanting everything to work out in such a way that it reads like a Richard Paul Evans novel or a Hallmark Christmas special. I want my children to have wonderful people enter their lives...and then they are themselves...and that means that sometimes those wonderful people leave. Those people that are not right for them...or are only meant to be someone they met on the road to wherever they are headed. On the other hand, I watch in amazement as they mature into awesome people...but am equally stunned when they make a boneheaded mistake and I am left wondering why they don't want to do more with their lives or want to reach any higher than what is right within their grasp.
I suppose that I have been waiting for the answers all of my life. By nature, I am a planner. I want to try to figure out the best way to do everything. I love surprises, but hate being blindsided. Sometimes, there is a very faint line between the two. Had I been granted the answers to some of my questions...perhaps I would have enjoyed the journey a lot more than I have. I wanted to know if I would be a wife and mother...and I am. In fact, I wanted to know the gender of both of the children before they were born...and we did. I wanted to own a home with plenty of space and a pool out back...and I do. I thought that pets would enrich my life...and they have. We chose a school for our children that we thought would give them the best chance of success...and I have not been disappointed. I was not able to reach some of my personal and professional goals, and I've decided that it is okay that I haven't in the grand scheme of things.
So, what is the problem? Why can I not just take life as it comes?
The problem is that I am waiting for something out there that gives my life meaning...instead of realizing that sometimes my life's meaning will come from just interacting with those in my path. I want the perfect son-in-law and daughter-in-law one day...but it is quite clear that I need to quit focusing on the waiting...and start focusing on and enjoying the present. After all...it is all I know that I have.
For those of you waiting for something wonderful to arrive...like a wedding day, a new baby to join your family, or for the chemotherapy to be over...I hope that it comes quickly. For those of you waiting to find some purpose in the actions of others or in your future...I hope that you will savor the little milestones that will eventually get you from point A to point Z. It is those little milestones...some of which are no larger than a pebble...that are the measured breaths that we have.
I'm finding that it comes at you mighty fast. You sit for a minute...and three years blow by. You wait and then forget what it is that you were waiting for in the first place. You remember the past and think that you can predict the future...but find that this is quite impossible. You let something that happened to hurt you put you on guard waiting for someone else to attempt to do the same...but this time you'll be ready. It is terribly sad, actually.
So, tonight I am waiting. For what exactly? I do not know. I do know that soon enough...it will be easy enough to trace in retrospect...or will be I look at photos of my children...and then of the Christmas cards that I just had printed at Costco...and I see how much they have changed in a relatively short period of time. One day, some young man and young lady will walk through the doors of my home, and I will know that they are "the ones" that will marry these children of mine and David's. For now...I just watch for the signs and hope for the best.
Waiting. It is a fact of life that none of us really likes...but that all of us have to endure at some point. We can make the most of the time...or we can complain and wish our time away. I am just hoping that I'll be more aware of how precious time really is...and that I will use that time wisely. We can find something worthy in every day and in every circumstance if we try to unearth it. And who knows...I may find that I receive far more than I ever thought I was waiting for in the first place. Here's hoping so...