I have a list with several items on it and a time limit of about three hours to get it all completed. Me sitting here writing is not so much procrastination...it is more me feeling the need to write and so here I am. Writing about my anxiety sometimes puts it in perspective...and after dealing with all that has been in my head with a whip and a chair today...I'm pretty tired.
Today, I have concerned myself with many things. Some of them have been important and somewhat critical...like paying a few bills, balancing my checkbook and allowing Greg the hairdresser to bring my hair back to some semblance of normalcy. That normalcy - of course - now includes altering it a few shades so that I can live in denial for just a wee bit longer.
Denial is my happy place. At least in the world of hair.
I spent some of my conscious hours considering Jill's debutante ball next weekend...and how I'm going to get eleven college juniors to the ball and back without anyone turning into a pumpkin...or showing up on Cops of Montgomery. Not saying that I am dealing with bad kids...I'm not. I'm just saying that I'm not in denial when it comes to college juniors and their celebratory rituals.
One of the other mothers and I called around and pondered the fact that there is no vehicle large enough to transport them because they are all rented out to BP right now. The workers picking up tar balls have to be moved from Point A to Point B somehow...and in case you were wondering...the preferred mode of transportation is apparently every 15 passenger van or Suburban that existed at any point in time in the state of Alabama. Well, except for those owned by the prison system or churches.
Somehow neither of these options seems a bit helpful. A church van full of revelers is just wrong on many levels. A prison van is probably closer to reality...but having "Alabama Department of Corrections" on the side might verge on overkill. At least I certainly hope so.
I could always go out and buy a van...but that seems a bit extreme...even for me.
But enough already...
I've also wondered about things like what I'll eat on the girls' retreat since an open plan is like giving your teenager your credit card and telling her, "Have fun!" I suspect I will do fine, but I do have that simmering in a corner of my mind somewhere. I've also thought about what to wear to Callaway Gardens, why my tomato plants are dying, and how we are going to move Jill out of Tuscaloosa to Montgomery and then from Montgomery to Tuscaloosa over the next two weeks without a screaming match, ridiculous expense, or involving law enforcement.
I've assigned that last worry to Big Dave.
As fast as I can purge something off of my mind (from my to-do list)...three somethings jump up to take its place like some deranged pop-up ad in my brain that got through the ad blocker filter. This is so not helping one bit.
For instance, I called the vet to get the dogs an appointment for shots. Then I remembered I had to go to the post office, needed to write three Phi Mu recs and make a deposit. So I added those...
I checked on Jill's computer class grade (an "A" - yay!) that had not posted, and remembered I needed to pay her sorority bill by August 1st, find a thing to wear under my dress that compresses past sins, and remember to get my toenails done in my spare time between 1 and 2 a.m.
Egad. It's like every to-do list item spawns three more.
So, tonight I am going to pack it up and pack it in. I'm tired of the "what-if" scenarios that are running through my head. I'd love to be able to sit quietly for an hour tomorrow and just write down everything that has been lying in wait. My thoughts seem to be involved in some kind of insane mental paintball tournament or something.
Or as my mother called it when I was in mid-whine tonight..."free floating anxiety."
For many years, I refused to get uptight about things that I couldn't correct or change by clinging to Philippians 4:6-7 which begins with "be anxious for nothing..." I think I need to tattoo that to my forehead.
Well, tomorrow is another day, and it is coming soon. I have yet to pack, and I still have two small things that I need to take care of before I leave tomorrow. I'm sure that this really means that I have six small things that I will actually take care of before I leave...but whatever.
My main "to-do" list still contains several items, but as I look at it now...I'm down to bathe dogs, set up an appointment, find Brian's dust ruffle, Brian's college applications, make fleece blankets, and choose paint colors for the house. I started out with 38 items.
Yes, I number my to-do list...and I mark them off with highlighter so I can see what I've done. I'm sure that this qualifies me for some kind of medication...or at least an evaluation.
It really should make me feel better at least.
What my to-do list tomorrow should be:
See wonderful women who knew me when I was young.
Laugh until my face hurts.
Quit worrying about stupid to-do lists.
I think I'll go with that...:)