Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The 10 Most Annoying Christmas Songs EVER (IMHO)

Tonight the dogs were outside barking at a leaf blowing across the lawn or a cat running through a field three counties over or something equally random.  It being the holiday season and all, all of that barking made me start thinking about the classic rendition of "Jingle Bells" performed by the barking dogs.  I remember thinking at one point in time that this was really clever...although now I find it only slightly less annoying than the ridiculous chorale being yipped outside my garage door right now.

I've been on vacation this week, and have been so delighted to not have a million things on my mind that need to be done.  I've slept in.  I've cooked and cleaned.  I've written and I've read.  I've planned, bought, wrapped, mailed, straightened, decorated, and made list upon list.  I've enjoyed the cold weather and the fact that all of my "must-do" chores have been done.

Well, until TODAY.

Earlier today, I went outside and realized that it is back to ridiculously warm weather just before Christmas.  I vote NO to this, by the way.  All I needed was another week of cold.  I'm not asking for snow...although I am battling some serious "snow envy" right now.  I'm just requesting that we actually have winter weather through Christmas.  It can jump back up to spring weather next week for all I care.  But for now, I am protesting having to endure "Winter Wonderland," "White Christmas," or "Frosty the Snowman" in the musical realm until the weather gets brisk again. 

I've gone from "Ho! Ho! Ho!" to "Bah, humbug!" faster than people snatch "Santa's White Christmas" ice cream off the shelves at the local Publix.  And in my personal experience...that's fast.

Frankly, because I'm in a non-Christmas-y mood today, there are a number of other annoying songs that I'd like to think up an excuse to completely avoid.  I'll probably end up offending someone, but I'm going to list the songs that annoy me - personally - beyond belief.   Oh, there are definitely more than just this list...but these are the worst offenders.  And NO, I didn't include the barking dogs' rendition of "Jingle Bells" here.  I'd rather listen to that repeatedly than to any of these.

10. 12 Days of Christmas

This song is well intentioned.  It is about giving and true love and going the distance.  But it is much like singing "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" lose interest somewhere along the way.  And frankly, other than the five golden rings...I'm not particularly enamored with any of the other gifts noted.  Like at all.  And you just KNOW that there was no gift receipt for any of it.  And in my mind's eye, I can only see the results of numerous birds and livestock combined with maids, lords, drummers and pipers en masse and just know that it cannot end well.

9. A Hippopotumus for Christmas

No.  Just no.  Whoever thought this song up was seriously on crack.

8. Blue Christmas

Christmas isn't blue.  It is red and green, silver and gold.  Anything else is fraudulent.  I don't care if it is Elvis or Porky Pig that is singing this sucks. 

7. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

All I can think when I hear this is that this kid is going to end up on Jerry Springer someday.  I don't even like the Michael Jackson version as unpopular as I'm sure this will make me.  It just screams "I will now become dysfunctional and will blame it all on this traumatic experience."

6. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

The first time you hear this's cute.  Every other's ridiculous.  In my case, it has been ridiculous since 1967.  Please don't wish me a "May-we Cwith-mus"...unless you are actually six years old and really talk like that. 

5. Santa Baby

This song sounds like someone is belting this one while simultaneously working the pole.  And I don't mean the North one, either.  I mean, puhleeze...this one is commonly sung by Eartha Kitt and Madonna.  That alone should ban it from the airwaves.

4. I Saw Three Ships

And the significance of this would be?  That we can count?  On Christmas Day in the morning?  (As opposed to the evening, apparently.)  Okay, so the ships are carrying the Magi...but I still hate the song.

3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

I'm a big fan of the movie and consider it mandatory to experiencing full-blown Christmas cheer, but the song itself is stupid.  I mean, we're gleefully singing "all of the other reindeer...used to laugh and call him names...they never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games..." and we're okay with this?  I think not.  In this day and age, Rudolph's Mama would have sued the school board.  I still want to punch the stop-motion animated coach reindeer for being such a jerk. 

2. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

Really? No.  And the cheerleader raspy voice is so not working for me.  Thanks, anyway.  I don't "rock" around my Christmas tree.  I put gifts under it and pray that it doesn't ignite from the gazillion lights that I put on it the weekend after Thanksgiving.  But rock?  Um. No.

1. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

Although I could probably expound upon why this particular song is the most heinous one of all, I'll just say that it just makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  And not in a good way.  I mean, how festive can it be to croon about a drunk geriatric person getting run over by a mythical being?  Just sayin'.  And YES, I did laugh the first time I heard it kind of like you laugh when someone falls down just before you realize that you need to dial 911.

Oh, I'm sure that there are many, many lists out there that include some of the above and some that I haven't thrown under the bus.  Like "The Little Drummer Boy" (what new mother would allow THAT?  Answer: none...and newborns don't smile unless they have gas) or "Jingle Bell Rock" (which I confuse with "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and turn off immediately if at all possible.) 

But whatever...I only have three more days to "enjoy" these before the music turns back to the same c-rap that plays the other eleven months of the year.  And when it does...I'm sure I'll miss even these truly awful ones.  But I'll have eleven months to get over it. 

I always do.

(And if truth be told...I did some research to see how my list compared to that of others through the magic of Google.  I'm actually in sync with approximately 80% of the songs.  Which totally rocks.  But not around the Christmas tree.  Please spare me that.)

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