Tuesday, February 1, 2011

On Being a Pack Mule

Sometimes I go through weeks and feel like the days are flying by and everything is fairly copasetic. I go through the days without too many cares...and manage somehow to get things done.  And then suddenly...out of nowhere...I start having days that seem monstrously long and tedious with drama, ups and downs, and cares that feel much bigger than they actually are.  And this goes on for awhile until the skies clear and everything seems to be headed back to the land of "normal" again.

As "normal" as my life ever gets, anyway.

Right now...today...I feel like a pack mule.  I've been carrying a lot of baggage, worries, and "stuff" and I'm just about worn out from the effort.  After a period of relative normalcy, I had a perfect weekend and then started feeling like I was being weighted down about mid-week last week.  After a fun weekend with my scrapbooking friends, I came home to the realization that I was in full-blown stress mode.

I don't do stress well.

I won't elaborate as to what is going on, because it really isn't any one thing.  It is a combination of items that I've failed to deal with coupled with an inability to get motivated to finish some of what I've started.  My emotional tank is empty...which is odd because I just topped it off a week or so ago.

But then again...I've been here before...and I know the culprit.

Some of us are born to be dreamers, some are meant to be directors, and others of us are meant to be doers.  Oh, we all actually have a little bit of the ones that do not dominate, and I suppose that it is possible that we can be all of these simultaneously.  But our purpose here generally lines up with a strength in one area above the others...and we tend to see the world from that viewpoint.  At least that's been my experience.

Doers commonly get worn out from an innate (and sometimes insane) inability to say "no."  They believe their purpose to be in serving others...and they will exhaust themselves to that end.  They stay busy trying to please...trying to keep all of the balls in the air...and attempting to figure out how to simply matter in the grand scheme of things.  They are...therefore they "do"...and usually have an aversion to being the center of attention. 

Directors are exhausted by having too many monkey wrenches in their plans or too many people with agendas that they have to manage.  These are the people who organize, make things work, and aren't afraid to take charge.  They stay busy trying to make things happen smoothly and efficiently, and the outcomes of anything they touch  to far exceed anyone's expectations.  They are fine unless something unthinkable happens on their watch or when the plans they have get thwarted.

Dreamers are dragged down by disappointment.  They believe in the ideas that God puts in their heads as not only possible...but from Him.  They look at everything in light of how wonderful everything can be...and then cannot bear it when it isn't.  While not all dreamers are creative types...most of them seem to feel more and see more in everything than the general population.  Sadly, this is a double-edged sword.  Seeing the silver lining is great...but guessing what is bound to go wrong can be immensely frustrating...especially when it does. 

So, knowing myself...I know what is wrong with me right now.  And I'm really ready to be unburdened.  None of us are meant to carry what we cannot fix, change, or affect.  We are to leave that securely in God's hands.  Not that we normally do this without a fight. 

In case you do not know me...I'm a dreamer.  I love for the best to happen to everyone I know...and I celebrate when something wonderful happens.  I love the possibilities that life opens up and I normally embrace change when it isn't drastic.  But I can be nearly incapacitated by disappointment.  As an antidote to that...I try not to get my hopes up about anything.  I've spent a lot of years trying to convince people that I'm not being negative or talking myself down because I know that's its just a defense mechanism.  Sometimes I fail mightily.  What I hope won't happen actually does...or what I hope will happen actually doesn't.  But that's life...and you just have to roll with it sometimes...even if you feel like life is a windshield and you are the bug.

The good news is...when we are at our lowest points and we feel more like Atlas with the weight of the world on his shoulders instead of who we actually are...we don't have to stay that way.  We can choose to let it go and rest easy knowing that it will all work out as it should...eventually.  Oh, I am not suggesting that everything is sweetness and light...and everything will end up right...but I can say that a lot of what we stress and fret over really ends up being okay in the long run.  There's no sense in shaking our fists at the heavens and demanding an answer for what we don't understand.  We probably wouldn't like the answer anyway.

At least not initially.

This week has not been fun.  This pack mule is ready to drop a load of worries and regret that things aren't different at the foot of the cross.  I need to be free to move freely, to rest...and to dream.

How about you?

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