Today I had my office dictionary in hand...(you know, the one with no cover, yellowed pages, and no real history...it has just been in my possession forever) and I was looking up a word. Call it pride...but there are few things that annoy me more than misspelled words. The fact that I am tough on keyboards and I have a laptop at home and at work is not always a good thing. I've found that lately I've been missing a letter here and there in words which I prefer to blame on the equipment rather than operator error. Yes, I type fast and hate proofreading my own work. Just know that if you see that from time to time that I am mortified (in spirit).
At the top of one of the pages was the word "press" and I had one of those revelations that this word has numerous meanings and was part of other words that I relate to. I'll try to compress these into a somewhat coherent blogpost as my mind has been galloping with possibilities. It would probably be better for my thighs if I were physically galloping, but whatever.
This past week, my mentor in this weight loss plan told me that when she got weak...she kept focusing on the bible verses in Philippians 3:12 and 3:14 with the words "press on..." She said "when the flesh starts screaming obscenities like 'chocolate cake' and 'fried chicken' you have to press on."
Very true words.
If we look at the temporary discomfort, we never change our behavior. If we don't change our behavior, we march in place. If we march in place too long, we will miss the journey we were meant to travel. If we miss the journey, we will have regrets. If we have regrets, we could grow bitter. If we grow bitter, we are unable to do what God calls us to do in this life. So, in that context...I have to press on.
Sometimes pressing on causes more pressure than we can imagine. We have to explain our choices to other people when they are out of the mainstream. Telling a room of coworkers that you appreciate the effort that they took in purchasing your favorite birthday cake that you aren't eating seems odd. So does turning down red velvet Cold Stone Creamery ice cream cake, a free lunch, and homemade guacamole. And that was just the first week.
After a while, this show of willpower might begin to depress me as the "lifestyle changer", or begin to impress others who had begin to give up that I had it in me. Neither alternative is really the intent...my main concern right now is survival. Just getting through the minefield of day to day living is my biggest concern.
I have noticed that some people are starting to crawl into the foxhole with me. They are calling to ask how it's going...in part to insure that I am still atop the wagon. However, while the lower number is nice (13.4 pounds...but who's counting...um...me)...what is really nice is knowing that it is possible. I had all but given up.
I don't mind hopping on the scale right now to see the mind numbing number that is still exceeding my full blown pregnancy with Jill - preeclampsia and all. It has kept moving lower, and I'm beginning to believe that it might be possible for me to be able to eventually purchase something to wear that couldn't shade a family of six if I put it on poles. Oh, it isn't THAT bad...I'm not requiring a crane to get out of the house yet...but dang.
What I noticed this week is that I have ankles again. I'd kind of lost touch with them...but they are back. I've also noticed that my skin is clearer. Must be the vitamins and the incredible quantities of water that I am consuming. Those little changes mean the world to me. I'm far away from buying clothes in anything but size OMG, but the cravings are over and the headache from the caffeine withdrawal wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yay me.
Anyway, I have discovered other things about myself...such as that I will drive to every Publix in town to find the right low carb pitas and that I may like organic yogurt from Stonyfield better...I now look forward to the 4 ounce cup of "diabetic friendly" yogurt I get each morning. I've also become a huge fan of herbal teas. I mean...skinny women are always offering people tea in the movies...so there must be something to it. I got that last observation from my coach, by the way.
So, as I press on to the next week...I am not feeling the pressure of fear of failure. Oh, I may still fail...but I'm asking God to please intervene before I go rogue and end up in line at Krispy Kreme or something. I want to walk down the aisle one day as the mother of the bride and mother of the groom...and I'd like to A) be here and B) transport myself down the aisle instead of riding on a Hoveround or a segway. That would just be too tacky.
If you have room on your prayer list, please put me on it. I believe that I've gotten this far by the grace of God...and because of the time invested in me by a wonderful woman who saw me hurting and threw me a lifeline. If you'll excuse me, Big Dave is about to cook some shrimp and vegetables on the grill, and I think I'll join him.