Thursday, January 5, 2012

Sometimes I Wonder...But I Always Really Know

Sometimes I wonder about things that happen...the timing...the hassles...or the hilarity of something.  I hear of struggles that people are facing and I cannot for the life of me think of any reason that makes any sense to my irrational little mind as to why someone has to walk through a valley not of their own making.  I hear of bad news delivered from doctors, Fox News, or someone's employer.  Little children are put through heaven knows what while prayer warriors in sixteen states are steadily knocking on the gates of heaven with appeals for healing.  People do everything right except that one time they ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Natural disasters...a twist of fate...eyes averted for a second.

And sometimes I wonder...but I always really know...that we live in an imperfect world.

If we get all caught up in the whirlwind of what is going wrong, we find ourselves in something like the Land of Oz where nothing is as it seems and where witches and flying monkeys pretty much say it all...

Because, seriously, what is worse than flying monkeys and green tinted witches? Okay, don't make me answer 10th grade picture comes to mind...

Of course, there are other bad news stories...families crumble because someone has to go find "him/herself" and cannot be bothered with things like commitments or someone else's welfare.  There are break-ins and break-ups, and even some breakdowns.  People expecting other people to succumb to their list of expectations, demands, or needs. The whole "if I can't have one can" mentality.  Bullying.  People suffering every day and for what? 

And although sometimes I wonder...I always really know...selfishness. 

It is the root of most avoidable problems in this world.  We want what we want when we want it and it matters not who gets in the way.  It is also extremely difficult to recognize because most people aren't totally selfish...they are something in between.

Other times, I feel like I'm as excited as the recipient of excellent news...and I'm twirling around like Julie Andrews on a hillside in my mind...

The truth is...sometimes I wonder...but I always really know...that it is moments like these that keep me from just giving up.  I'll even borrow someone else's joy and jump up and down and go "yay!" with them because it is so much more fun than giving in to things not working out the way I want them to.

Sometimes giving up seems like a far easier row to hoe.  But when have I ever done anything (other than gain weight) the easy way?  Answer: Never.

Lately I have been under the weather...which if you actually consider the term "under the weather" it makes little or no sense.  (Of course, my 90 second internet search indicates that this term comes from rough weather on the seas and getting below deck where one is less inclined to be seasick.  Sounds as rational as any, I suppose.)  I've also been wrestling some mighty big alligators in my mind.  A couple of them have moved on or been slayed, but not all.  When I am feeling low physically, emotionally, or spiritually, those alligators seem larger than life.  Couple that with Christmas let-down and sugar deprivation and you

Sometimes I wonder what I should do when I feel like this...but I always really know.

Pray.  Hope.  Trust.  Expect.  Love. 

(And stay away from the Reese's peanut butter cups.)

I am at that place where we are shelling out the dollars for the last semester of college for Jill and looking at what she will be doing just a few short months from now.  While I am beyond grateful to not have to figure out how to scrape up funds for any more semesters...I'm also having to cut those apron strings and accept that my opinion will not matter as much in a very short time and not panic as I do so.  I realize that she can take care of herself, can manage her finances, has a good head on her shoulders, and has been through a pretty rigorous course of study in icky things like statistics and economics and has survived.  She even did well with Rush...and that is about as stressful as it gets right there.

She is strong, growing, beautiful and smart and is going to make somebody a truly wonderful wife someday. 

And lest you think that I don't worry about Brian...I do.  But right now he's fine.  And I'm super happy about that.

And sometimes I wonder...but I always really know that I'll eventually look back at this time and wonder why I stressed so much and trusted so little.  I'll wish perhaps that I had done things just a little differently...but I'll be mostly content with how everything just somehow managed to fall into place.

Yes, I'm trusting that God has a better plan for Jill's life than even I can conceive at this point in time.

I realize that I'm waxing a wee bit philosopical tonight...and I'm probably going to read back over this and wonder why I didn't track down some B-12 vitamins and just let it go.  But part of being me is putting my finger on the tender spots of my heart and trying to diagnose exactly what is going on in there.

Sometimes it actually makes me feel much better.  Sometimes not. 

What I know is that in less than 48 hours my girl will be headed on an adventure and then back to college for her final semester.  Eventually the Christmas decorations will make it back to the attic and the laundry room that looks like a locker room will be back to its usual mundane self.  And then I'll be back to missing her terribly.

That "missing her" part is something I don't even have to wonder about.  I already know.

And hopefully someday she will find just the right person to walk with her in this adventure called "life."  I know that he will be wonderful and will pursue her and she will know.  Or at least I hope it will be that way for her.  She certainly deserves it.

That is something else that I always really know. 

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