Last night I wrote about how I was behind on some things people were counting on me to do, and how much that is upsetting me. I will be making time tomorrow to manage some of this, and I feel at peace about that part of it. However, looking at the title that I chose last night, I can also see that there is something else that is going on with me in the realm of falling short.
I used to be an ultra competitive person. I couldn't play "Dirty Santa" at Christmas because I would get angry when someone would take my beautiful fluffy blanket or silver reindeer and leave me with a skating pig or WalMart clearance section ornament. I once stormed out of a Sunday School party in protest (quietly...but I still left to calm myself down)..so it proves that I have come a long way in at least now being able to speak of it without using language that would make Seth Rogen blush. In fact, I don't even wince at the memories of this...too much.
Playing any kind of game used to be a minefield for me. Watching college football games on TV became mood changers...something that is seriously just wrong. If whatever team I was pulling for lost...my weekend was ruined.
At work, if someone got a promotion, I was happy for them, but I secretly seethed as I watched them get something I felt that I was denied. Eventually, I made it to the point professionally that I wanted to be...and that competitive feeling has been non-existent for the past ten years. This is a good thing. In fact, I'm quite grateful that I no longer have to wear pantyhose, suits, or need to look professional. As long as my work is professional...that's enough.
With my friends, there have been times in the past that I felt that if I was excluded from something...that it was personal. Never mind that there were limited tickets, people who I didn't know involved, or a long history of certain people being invited to certain events or if I really wanted to go or not. I just felt left out if I was not included. Now, I'm actually relieved if I don't get asked...so I can pretty much do what I want when I want to. It is freeing.
Bigger house? Nope...happy with mine. Different car? Not really...mine runs. Better wardrobe? Yeah, if I lose a bunch of weight...sure.
I think what I've realized is that I'm fairly content with my life, who is in it, and what is in it. I like where I live, who I am, and what I do. That's all taken me 46 years to be able to say...and I'm very proud that I can...considering my history.
BUT...and there always is a but...I realized yesterday that I have a mini green eyed monster trying to make a comeback in my life. A tiny but powerful little creature called ENVY.
See, on Twitter, my favorite band of all time - Collective Soul - is having a contest for the 20 biggest fans. And because I'm not on there all of the time, I have no chance of winning a spot. I am going to do one more post about why I love the music and then I'll consider that horse duly beaten.
I realized, though, that some of the people I follow ARE on that list. And while I'm really happy for THEM...I'm feeling a little sad that I am not on there. Why would I be? Do I tweet incessantly about the band? No. Do I know them personally? No. Do I have a gazillion followers on Twitter? Negative. Do I have anything to offer whatsoever besides my respect and occasionally a sale from iTunes? Hardly.
So, I'm going to try to not think of this "envy issue" that I have going on right now...and will try to focus on articulating exactly why I am a fan on the blog one last time...and then I will let this go as well.
I suppose that part of the problem is that I have felt like I used to when other people got promoted. I know that sounds very shallow and stupid, but at the same time...it has alerted me to the fact that although I've exorcised a lot of demons...there are still a few lurking around me just waiting for an opportunity to slip in. And, if nothing else...it is always good to be reminded to be on guard for THAT. Later!