Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Beyond My Ability To Control

Here is a list of things that absolutely drive me nuts. I give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, but the following turn me into a "harpie" - a most unattractive version of a Southern woman who just cannot abide certain breaches of conduct or personal dress. These may be mine alone. Also know that these only take over a very small portion of the time. I am not judgmental in the sense of understanding that people make mistakes. I have made enough of my own to be incredibly tolerant. However, the following just fly in the face of everything that I was taught, and I just cannot get past them. Interesting list...

White shoes after Labor Day or before Easter unless you are a nurse or a bride.

Chocolate bridal cake. Get a groom's cake if you are all fired up about having a chocolate cake at your wedding. I mean, frankly, you should have one anyway.

Excessive cleavage. If your cleavage looks like a butt crack on your chest, I consider it about as classy as it is when the plumber is under the sink and I am seeing his butt cleavage.

Short hemlines. If I am afraid for you to move, then your skirt is too short.

Roots. IF you decide to be blonde, then you absolutely must maintain it. If you are covering the gray, then by all means, keep it covered up on a regular basis.

Thong evidence. If you bend over, and I know the color of your thong because the top of it is peeking out of your low cut jeans, know that this

Peeling nail color. Look, the little massage chairs at the nail place are worth the price of admission. No chips. Especially if you find it necessary to wear one of those heinous colors like blue or black...which I hope you don't.

And then there is my list of things that I've seen some mothers do, and I just cannot figure out where their heads are. These include:

Getting a tramp stamp.
New boobs for graduation.
Dating a 17 year old at 13.
Boys with blue hair.
Girls with hot pink hair.
Tattoos...unless they can be hidden.
Multiple piercings or those black things that go in the earlobes. Ick.

But, then again...that's just me.

So, while some of you may find this a bit much, I find it perfectly normal.

And frankly...if you want to serve chocolate wedding cake at your affair...who am I to judge?

Because on someone else's list may be the following:

Overweight people.
People who go blonder to hide the gray.
Those who send their children to private Christian schools.
People who judge others.

And THAT, my friends, would put ME on someone else's "whisper" list. And when you put it like that...

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