Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Ironies of Life - Part II

Well, today I spoke to the 10th grade girls (Brian's grade) and really enjoyed it. They are all really great girls, but it was extremely weird to be with them in the same forum (bible study) that I was with Jill's group and the one the year after her. I still think of them as the little girls they used to be.

Much like I do ANYTIME I am traveling and have to be at a meeting or something...I dreamed that I overslept. So in my head...I am stuffing three of the Little Smokies weenie things in a biscuit and trying to make the pigs in a blanket and get out the door and yelling at David while I do this...for not waking me up.

By getting myself so riled up in my dream world...I actually WOKE myself 4:45. Egad.

Bear in mind that it is normally next to impossible to rouse me from my Tylenol PM induced coma each morning without some serious David was amazed that I was up. Because I can't get up normally, I have simplified my morning routine to something quite amazingly simple...and yes, it includes David bringing me coffee.

I normally leave on time...mostly dressed...and in the process of makeup application. Yes...I am one of those annoying ladies who puts her mascara on while driving through a school zone. I figure...hey...I'm already going 25...if some kid comes racing across the 1/4 mile it is between the school and the road, then more power to them. If I actually hit one...they can just sue me.

See, in my estimation...a kid in front of the car is a fairly remote possibility. The policeman directing traffic calling me in and giving me a ticket when I have a 16 year old male and a hotfoot 19 year old on my THAT'S something to fear. Authority figures...gotta love 'em.

ANYWAY, I got up and made about a gazillion (75) pigs in the blanket, gratefully loaded the remaining muffins from hell (9 1/2 points on WW...which puts them in the "Are you KIDDING me?" category of foods) and arranged the fruit that I purchased into a leftover spinach container because reusing stuff makes me feel like I'm being environmentally healthy...and it IS Earth Day and all...

Oh, I could have simplified my life. I could have hit a drive thru or stopped for donuts...but I figured...hey...why start them on the road to ruin with Krispy Kreme? Best that they not ever think that they can eat such. The window on irresponsible sugar consumption is closing for them sooner than they know.

I arrived on time, parked in what I thought was the "Visitor Parking" but OH NO...I parked in the "Reserved Parking" which I only realized after I unloaded all of my crap onto the trunk of the car.

The bible study itself was great. I read one verse, and had an object lesson (wheat seeds from sweet Peggy) and (not surprisingly) had a lot to say. In fact, had I been an auctioneer, I don't know if I could have imparted every bit of wisdom that I wanted to share. I suppose that I just wanted to throw them a lifeline to let them know that they won't be in high school forever. This is welcome news...but also sad at the same time. Of course, I also told them that by the time they were seniors, they would be so annoying that their parents would gladly pay ANY amount of money, sign ANY loan documents, drive them ANYWHERE to college (California? No problem.) and even pay to decorate their room just to get them out of the house. This seemed to be news to them.

The advice boiled down to a few major points that I won't rehash here. They were very polite and listened intently...which I'm sure was difficult to do considering the sugar content of the muffins coupled with Juicy Juice and a side order of fruit.

One of the girls gave a prayer request for an 18 year old relative. She was mortified that after some injuries she sustained in overtraining...she now had the joints of a 30 year old.

OMG. I'd KILL for the joints of a 30 year old. And I said exactly that. It is all a matter of perspective. She thought she was giving a prayer request...I let her know that 30 year old joints would actually be a cause for celebration. She - no doubt - thinks I'm nuts.

When I got back to the office I had two interesting phone calls. One was with my health insurance company. Like I needed to pull up my claims history this morning to see if they've mailed my check yet (since American Express has already been paid) and realize that they've denied my claim for eyeglasses under my vision insurance.

Let that last statement sink in.

My response: Are you flipping kidding me??

Now...before I start off on a rant...I'll just give you a visual. Anyone seen the Karate Kid? Remember the stump? Yep. That's where I go in my mind when something totally overwhelms the "magnolia" in me. So, there I am...perched on one leg...hands rising like the crane...

I very calmly called the office and informed the person who cheerfully answered that I wanted to speak to anyone there in the category of "remotely intelligent."


She then said that there WAS someone who is very good with "special situations" (read that: problem customers...because it was apparently dang obvious that I was going to be one). I informed her that while I sincerely appreciate and highly value my awesome insurance as evidenced by the unbelieveable premiums I pay for family coverage...I really DON'T appreciate paying for VISION INSURANCE and then having my stupid claim for glasses turned down.

Bear in mind that this is just minutes after I get to work after teaching a bible study. Yeah.

And you already know what happened.

Some genius over at Costco (where I purchased said glasses) put something in the wrong block. My new best friend - Lisa - could only discover this after I faxed all of the crap over there to her. She tried the old..."our system is down" trick with me...but as I've already said...I was on the stump. I had it allll in front of me.

Seven faxed pages later...she "personally" walked this through to Claims...where she assured me that they would fix the problem. Well thank you Captain Obvious...because by this point...I have your name, phone number, and fax...and if I don't get my check...I'm calling back. A lot.

Look...I work in the service industry...a bank...mess with me.

I think she kinda sensed this. I don't know if it was the quiet manner in which I spoke to her but said exactly what I thought or if she checked my age and realized that I might be somewhere near the big "M". Either way...she took the safe route. Smart girl.

The burning question is: In spite of the fact that people are losing their jobs at the speed of it still too much to ask for competence? If we have MBAs working at McDonald's...then could we please replace the rocket scientist who turned down my request with someone who possesses something remotely resembling intelligence? In my estimation...since they paid the claim for the eye doctor visit in the first place...seemed to me in this brave new world of imaging...the facts would have been right there IF he or she had only looked. Of course, this person is probably from the generation that just pushed the picture of a Big Mac instead of actually knowing the price and having to (gasp!) add.

The second call was with a friend who is dealing with someone who is making her life much harder than it needs to be. I mean...this woman has a child who is a college my heart truly goes out to her. The nemesis is someone who really doesn't fit her name. Ever run up on those people?

People named Joy that are anything but? Folks named Mercedes or Tiara on their nametag when they take your order at Waffle House (no offense...I'm a fan of Waffle and and time.) My personal favorite is a sweet name like Giggles or Twinkle or something equally interesting. I actually know people with names like that. I AM in the South, you know.

In the Bible, people were always named after what they were supposed to represent, and anybody who has ever had a kid has worn out the baby name book with the "meanings" assigned to the name. In fact, The Prayer of Jabez (by Bruce Wilkinson) several years ago was because a guy wanted a break because his name meant "pain". (And all you mothers out there...can I get an "Amen.")

I can even somewhat understand this having grown up as KAY-RUN. My name (according to my mother...who should know because she named me) is CARE-IN. Only when I moved to Alabama did I find people who called me by my name...and so I stayed. Granted, I've had to adjust to the too frequent for my taste overuse of the non-word "hisself" and I occasionally find people who want to ride "on" the car instead of "in" it...but whatever. It is a small price to pay.

I even worked with a lady once who kept an actual list of names and occupations. She thought it was hilarious that a local OB/GYN is named Dr. Love. I did too...the first couple of times she read me the list. Unfortunately, she re-read the list every time she discovered another one...which, if I recall correctly was about once a week. The only other thing I remember about her is that she was totally anti-computer in the 1980's. She even retired because she wasn't "learning how to use that thing."

So, my advice to my dear give you hope, so to to just play a little mind game with yourself. Next time this individual gives you grief...just laugh quietly to yourself about how inappropriately named she is. Sounds to me like her true name should be something like "Sasquatch".

I will eventually become quite hilarious. Kind of like the girl who hated me years ago because I got the job she wanted and she would never speak to I intentionally carried on one person conversations with her...EVERY MORNING in the kitchen at work...which annoyed her greatly. I'd ask her how she was...she wouldn't answer...and then I'd just say...I'm fine...thanks...but I thought it was dang hilarious. I eventually wore her down. It was either that or the hormones from her pregnancy the following year. Ah, who cares.

Sorry for the long dialogue...Later!


  1. Maybe I need to get on the stump! Okay, maybe I'll just be hopeful and joyful!

  2. Now lets see if I can get back on again and make another comment!

    Loved the fact that you took Big Dave some coffee! Maybe there were lessons learned in Apples.

  3. No...Big Dave still made the coffee...I was just in the kitchen when he made it for me. I DID learn some stuff in just has to take place after 9am.

  4. This was really funny, love the bit about the insurance company. Have you noticed that they are the only ones that are not stressing about losing their jobs....I can see it now, when our kids graduate college we'll be saying go into'll always have a job!

  5. Insurance, accounting, and government. The only three remaining industries with a vestige of job security remaining. Thanks for reading!