This is one of the most hysterical things that has ever come across my e-mail...but before I "share" - I'd like to say that it came to me on a day that one of my friends knew I needed a lift.
The original letter states that this was "an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter." I don't know how much of that is true or not. However, I can certainly vouch for the campaign. I even have some little sticky notes that these people sent me...I'm going to try to photograph it and put the photo on this blog.
I am taking a couple of "editorial licenses" because some of it is just a little cruder than need be...
Here you go...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the "curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize that it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants...which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful that I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you flipping kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think that happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you are some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that is actually pertinent like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong" or are you just picking on us.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective, immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending BS. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always...Best, Wendi Aarons
Go Wendi...later!
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