Vacation

I just returned from a wonderful vacation to Pennsylvania to visit with relatives that I do not see often enough. Our family members are spread from coast to coast, north to south, and aren't limited to the North American continent. I have family members in Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, California, Texas, Illinois, Tennessee, California, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Iraq (or is it Iran...I honestly cannot remember), and France. While there is a great concentration in the southeastern United States...every so often, you just need to get in the car and drive.

Our visit was overdue by over twenty years...in part because we couldn't get the people in the same geographical location to also have money and time off at the same time. This presented a problem when one person was retired but needed someone to drive them, others had children who would not survive the trip (the risk was that they'd be left at a rest stop along the way), the cars were too old or too small, there wasn't enough time to go...or it just wasn't convenient on the other end. (I could actually add other excuses, but some of them are too bizarre for words.)

This trip was almost thrown off balance by the fact that we actually waited too long for one of our family members who died earlier this year. A memorial service was held the first weekend in April. My folks were going to go...but were incapacitated by the flooding of their home. Something about an underground spring, 50 year old pipes and incessant rain. SO, I could have come alone...at the proper time...or come as planned with more people. Like anyone in our branch of the family ever does anything at the proper time. Ergo, we showed up six weeks later.

I hope that we were forgiven. Since we FINALLY showed up and...in spite of the fact that we FINALLY showed up.

Anyway, it has been YEARS since I have taken a real road trip. A road trip is defined as anything over seven hours in duration. Anything shorter than that is really just a road trip wannabe. I mean...you can change drivers and nobody is really tired. Right?

A road trip is an American institution. It is one of the passages of life that years later people can still remember...for better or worse. Every family has a bit of the Griswolds in it (even if Wally World isn't the ultimate destination), and a long ride in a car just brings out SOMETHING in all of us.

In my opinion...a REAL road trip provides adequate time for one or more of the following to occur:

1. A detour around a major city that you are totally unfamiliar with...that is not on the AAA map, Mapquest or on any of the three thousand signs in the vicinity. Normally, finding your way involves something just short of a fistfight and definitely includes the words "your mama." Ironically, "your mama" is sometimes one of the people yelling at you.

2. Some loser in an older model station wagon will tell you that you are "number one" simply because you want him to quit going 45 in the fast lane. To let him know, you stay fairly close on his bumper. What he doesn't know is that this is primarily because the 18 wheeler behind you is fairly close on yours.

3. Long stretches after 9:00 pm with no lights, no traffic, and no hotels other than something you'd swear has "a Bates property" after the name (or Norman Bates, proprietor...same thing...)

4. At least one screaming match that rivals the Kardashian sisters because the driver is tailgating, whiplashing lanes, not paying attention, or driving like a freaking maniac according to the backseat driver.

5. Hallucinations from driving too long. (These will not be discussed further...as I don't have time for a psychiatric evaluation right now.)

6. Eating at an Arby's more than once...and scaring the people in the drive thru when you get out of the car because no makeup has been applied, your hair is stuck to your head and your clothes look like you spent the past three nights in them.

7. You eat 63 packages of Pringle's snacks and consider this "eating light" because you "shared."

8. You are now quite familiar with every single solitary country song out there with any degree of popularity and even know who sings the songs. Never mind that you hate country music.

9. You finish the first Twilight book and make inroads into the second. This is not because this is particularly good fiction...but because you have hours and hours and hours to kill.

10. Something has time to malfunction on the vehicle. In our case...low freon. Not a problem in cool Pennsylvania. Not so nice in hotter than 100 hells Tennessee. Yee haw.

11. You spend so much time in "Wild Wonderful West Virginia" that you swear you're driving in circles.

12. You're on the road for ten hours when you think that you are "making good time" because you've finally reached a point two states away from the one in which you reside.

Anyway, we had a great time. I'll be adding...the rest of the story...in various posts in the coming days. Just wanted to hop out with this post today. Later!